Ailey's blog take1

6 Things the White House May Not Know About the Longterm Unemployed

2011-04-30T11:48:00.000-07:00

I was reading through my emails last night and saw an email from the White House entitled

Six things you might not know about WhiteHouse.gov

The list below was my response because I think there are plenty of things they don't know about us!!

1) They're still looking for work, though mostly unsuccessfully. My husband applies for at least a job a day, even though he no longer receives UI benefits.

2) Many are losing their homes, having to sell or get rid of many, if not almost all, of their possessions and having to move in with friends and family, assuming they are fortunate enough to have those social resources and, of course, they have no health insurance. 3) Those who aren't to that point yet are burning thru their retirement benefits and most of them are also going without health insurance.

4) They're tired, demoralized and feel abandoned and forgotten by their President (for whom many, many of them voted) and their Senators and Representatives. Not so tired and demoralized, though, as to not also be angry, which they are!!

5) They are more than likely NOT going to be contributing to the President's re-election campaign, with either time or money, and may not even bother to vote, which will be a significant loss of energy and enthusiasm from President Obama's campaign.

6.) When they worked, they created and added value. on a daily basis, to their various career fields. Now they are a WASTED resource of this country's as they are a group of people who are rich with talent, work ethic, loyalty, creativity…

Gather them together in one place and they will be a force to be reckoned with. Our political leadership AND the privileged and elite of this country had better watch out!

"Regardless of the circumstances of your life, you are the writer,director, and producer of your mental images."

2011-04-03T01:09:00.000-07:00

Don't know who said this. I got it off of a new fb friend's page this evening. But it is actually kind of serendipitous that I saw it there as I've been really making an effort, especially over these past few days, to become more aware of the thoughts that run through my head and notice how that stream of consciousness commentary affects my mood and outlook on things.

Today, while doing dishes, an activity that really leaves the mind pretty free, I did some of this observing and noticed how challenging it was to interrupt the preponderance of negative thoughts that came to mind, noticed also how the gloominess of the day influenced my mood. What came to mind as well, during all of this, was the thought that exercise is a good way to elevate mood and, once again, I acknowledged that I need to develop that habit of daily exercise.

That was earlier in the day. Then this evening, while once again messing around with dishes in the kitchen, as I reflected on the above quote I thought some about these good habits that I want to develop of meditation/centering prayer and daily exercise and I wondered about just how small I might be able to start with them both, (one suggestion that I've heard for getting started being "start small") maybe 10 minute increments of each once a day, then twice a day, then increase the increments? Seems like a very reasonable and doable way to begin establishing some habits.

This is not the first time that I've thought of just that idea. But this evening is the first time that the internal voice that would discount such a notion didn't carry the weight that it customarily does. What made this time different?

I think that, this time, the above quote that I saw on this new fb friend's page reminded me of my choice in the matter. But how that quote, and the inspiration and affirmation it is providing, found its way to me truly is nothing short of wonderfully serendipitous. I saw this quote on the new friends page, someone who had reached out and sent a friend request to me, after I posted a very positive comment on a fb page that he is one of the editors of, that I'd "liked" earlier in the evening, that I just happened to see a post from on another fb, and longtime, friend's page earlier in the day, a friend who had posted on my fb page even earlier, who I hadn't seen much of on fb for sometime. Whew!! What a string of seemingly insignificant and unimportant events that, have turned out to feel to me like a bit of a lifeline at a time when I'm really needing one, when I'm needing to be reminded that our interconnectedness affects us positively as well as negatively, thankfully.

I just love it when something like that happens. Maybe there's the potential for such things happening more but it seems that it's the noticing of them that makes them significant and affirming to one's life. Truly positive reinforcement for paying attention and noticing.

2011-03-26T18:35:00.000-07:00

My husband is a "99er" one of those people who's been unemployed for more than 99 weeks and so is no longer able to recieve benefits. I'm underemployed. We've both been looking for full-time employment since he lost his job over two years ago.

On facebook there are lots of members who are 99ers who are trying to support each other during these incredibly difficult times and they've formed a number of different "99er" groups. I joined one of the groups, "99ers United", and the administrator for that group is very active constantly posting "99er" related news links. Needless to say his commentary on these links can tend towards the cynical, even bitter, as do those of many who comment on the stories. One day I'd just grown tired of the bitterness and the depressing nature of all of the stories he'd been posting and declared that I was tired of the "99ers United" page because I didn't find the contents of the page uplifting or encouraging. I stated that I was tired of the bitterness and was "unliking" the page.

Well, I sure got some comments in response. A couple comments, one from one of my friends, were supportive of what I'd said; one was more peacemaking in its nature and two of the comments were from people who really let me have it.

They let me know in no uncertain terms that all the "99ers" had a right to their anger and bitterness. I felt stung and blamed for being honest about my own feelings. But they both expressed themselves and the plight of the "99ers" so eloquently and in such a manner as to really touch me and cause me to feel sorry for the accusing tone of my post. In a sense I was blaming the victims for the anger, bitterness and despair that was and is completely understandable. Many of these people, including the two women who responded angrily to me, had long since lost their homes to foreclosure. One of the women, to whom I've since, ironically, become fb friends, went from having a $50,000 a year job and her own home, to living in an apartment and working for a time in temp positions which dried up over time, to now living with her mother and doing freelance content writing jobs for websites. People have lost their homes, used up savings and retirement benefits, sold possessions all just to get by. There are many who are now homeless.

Needless to say these kinds of stories scare the crap out of me, for myself and my family. We, thankfully, are not to that point, yet. We still have resources to exhaust, retirement benefits to cash in and utilize and family that I'm certain would take us in and provide us shelter if need be. But it scares and angers me that we could get to that point.

Then I had an epiphany. I feel that most people who have jobs do not want to see or hear or in any way be reminded of the millions who are out of work and can't find work or can't find work that pays them anything near what they need to keep them at a level of lifestyle even close to where they used to be. They don't want to see us, because they know, someplace inside themselves, that they could become one of us. And I realized that I, like them, don't want to be reminded of the many who are worse off than my family is, homes lost, possessions sold, because I an my family could end up there as well.

How could I be angry at those fortunate enough to have gainful employment, if I myself am unwilling to see and stay connected to, those who are worse off than my family and I are. So I've rejoined "99ers United". I don't need to read every post from them that appears on my fb page. But I do need to stay connected to these folks and not turn away from their reality, especially if I expect others, who are employed and doing ok, to not turn away from mine.

It's fear that makes us turn away or stick our heads in the sand and that fear is understandable. But we have to somehow find some way to channel that fear and the anger and bitterness into a constructive response to this situation. I really think our recovery from this recession and maybe our survival as a country depends on it.

How we do that though, remains to be seen. Ideas anyone?

One of my life's paradoxes, realized.

2010-12-26T00:51:00.000-08:00

Sadly, my husband and I are NOT compatible. We dated on and off for about 6 years from the time I was 20 years to almost 26 years of age. We parted ways for two main reasons, the truest one, I think, being that we really weren't compatible.

About ten years later, with some contact during the interim years, we found one another again, reunited and eventually made plans to marry. At this time we were both in our late 30s and neither of us had married or had children during our time apart. I think what was really at work in our coming back together was a combination of ticking biological clocks and a mutual desire for a port in the storm of life. I'm not sure what he told himself, but I told myself that we'd both grown and changed and it seemed that maybe the time was right for us.

About a year later, despite the appearance to me of several red flags, we married. Within three months I was pregnant and ten days before our first anniversary our dear daughter was born. Now, 12 years and some months since her birth, we are together solely for the benefit of our daughter. This has been so for the majority of her life but somehow we are managing this without a lot of conflict. Instead there is great distance in our marriage as my husband and I live our lives pretty separately but do "come together" for our daughter. For now, for reasons of mainly a financial nature, brought about by this "great recession", that this is how it needs to be. I feel strongly, though, especially as she gets older, that my daughter needs to see her mother as someone who takes care of and is faithful to the best interests of, not only her child, but herself. I'm getting more and more clear that staying in this marriage is doing neither for myself but, again, this is how it must be for now.

So, although I know in my deepest being that marrying my husband was far from the best choice I've ever made, it is also, paradoxically, one of the best choices I've ever made. From that choice has come our dear daughter who seems to have inherited some of the best and worst from her parents, is clearly growing into her own person, and is easily the result of the best work I've ever done in my life.

A Journey of Losses......

2010-11-20T00:41:00.000-08:00

First they lost their jobs, which included losing their healthcare. Not everyone could afford Cobra.

Then next, if they were fortunate enough to have it in the first place, they lost, little by little, or in big chunks, their savings for retirement, for their kids college, for a car that wasn't 13 years old, as they struggled to make up the difference between what their Unemployment Insurance benefits paid and what they needed to pay their bills...

And, while they were looking for work, and losing their cushion, assuming they even had one, they started to lose their self-confidence, self-esteem, self-respect...but they tried not to lose hope, as they listened to people in the media, down the street, around the corner and in Washington D.C., claim that they were lazy and weren't trying hard enough. They tried not to lose hope because maybe all those folks were right, and maybe if they just tried harder or tried a different approach, maybe they'd be the one out of 50 applicants to get that job.....

Then, after weeks and weeks and months and months and then a year and a year and a half and then 99 weeks (if they were lucky to get them for that long) then they lost their Unemployment Insurance benefits and they were left with nothing at all, or they were left with what was left of their retirement, or kids college fund and forget any money to celebrate the holidays with their children.

Next when they were finally lucky enough to get even a minimum wage job, they came face to face with the beginning of the end of their identity as a home owner, as they were forced to put their home on the market because minimum wage was just not enough to pay their mortgage.

Then, when their house wouldn't sell because the housing market still was under water, they lost their home to foreclosure, and all the money they'd put into it. They lost it all, including the great credit rating they'd had for years, and any hope of ever owning their own home again. if they were older, and if they were younger, at least for a very long time.

If they'd been lucky enough to find that minimum wage job or were able to qualify for, gasp, welfare, they found someplace to live that was smaller and would never be theirs but was safe and warm nonetheless. Or they were offered shelter or money by relatives or friends...if they were lucky.

If they weren't lucky enough, they lost safe shelter and found themselves living in a tent, or abandoned building, or car or..... outside, which would make finding a job that much harder let alone finding a job.

And somewhere along the way, maybe earlier, maybe later in this journey of loss and humiliation, they lost respect for their leaders and their country, which they used to think was the greatest country in the world, but which they now sadly knew to be anything but true...

What I want to know Dear Senators and Representatives is: How is extending UI Benefits and truly investing in programs that will put people back to work, especially when every penny of unemployment benefits goes back into the economy pretty much immediately, the WRONG things to do and renewing tax cuts, particularly for the wealthiest in this country the RIGHT thing to do? I don't understand it and I figure, since this is how you are voting, that you must understand it. So, please, Honorable Senators and Representatives, our elected public servants, please explain it to me. Because this lifelong citizen of the US, who has a college degree and whose husband does as well, but both of whom CANNOT find reasonable employment, wants to understand you're reasoning. We'd like to understand....and I'm sure we're not the only ones.

Bring Kyron Home!!

2010-06-21T02:05:00.000-07:00

Please post this notice on your blogs.

He has been missing for over two weeks and his family desperately wants him back home where he belongs. Please, also, keep this child in your good thoughts and prayers.

Lists

2010-06-10T00:29:00.000-07:00

I saw my counselor Monday. It was an extra session I arranged because I got a very disappointing letter from the library system with whom I'd applied over a year ago. I went through three steps successfully. Following the fourth I was scored for that then all of the scores for the previous sessions were added together and averaged...AND....I didn't make that final cut! I didn't make it into the Library Assistant pool! I'm not sure I want to ever go to the library again!!

It's now been a week since I got the devastating news that sent me, at least initially, into a horrible downward emotional tailspin. Of all the jobs I've applied for, this position is the one, when all the others went nowhere, that I thought I had a decent chance with. I'm qualified. I'm experienced. I'm certain, or I was for a few days, that they'd made a big mistake when they didn't include me in their precious pool. Maybe now I'm changing my mind about that. Maybe eventually I'll find that they did me a favor.

However, as of Sunday evening, I was still pretty devastated so I called my counselor and left a voicemail requesting a special session the next day and he called back Monday morning and said yes.

Now I don't know if it's because he's a man and I have a bit of a crush and don't want him to see me at my splotchy tear-stained worst or if, because he's a man, that he puts out some "logic" vibes, but I don't find myself generally inclined to just let it all hang out with him. Some would say that this holding back is a bad thing. But I'm not so sure. I've been a big-time crier my whole life, in fact, keeping control of my tears in certain situations has been impossible, much to my repeated humiliation.

But because of how really crappy I felt about that stupid rejection letter I guess I somehow expected to go into that emergency session and, with his encouragement, pour the entire contents of my broken heart out before him. It didn't happen though, and I've been pondering why....Did he not do his job in validating my feelings? Or did I not really make them available for validating? It's not that my disappointment was not acknowledged but maybe it was kind of minimized, or at the very least, managed by him. And I readily admit that I played a part in this by maybe not making my feelings especially accessible to me or him.

I think I will talk about this with him in three weeks because, while the absence of the catharsis that I was expecting did not make for a wasted session by any means, it still bothers me. So I will bring it up the next time I go. At least that's my intent for now. Who knows maybe that was a decision on his part that he consciously made and a direction in which he consciously took our session. Or maybe I'm giving him too much credit. He is still pretty young in his craft. I guess we'll see.

As for the good news, we talked about practical useful things I could do. We talked about me looking into schools for studying something I've been interested in for years. We talked exercise and centering prayer and what to do when things you want to do(exercise and centering prayer) aren't getting done, how to get yourself going on such things. He even gave examples from his own life of things he wanted to do but struggled with getting going and poked fun at himself. It made for a good laugh. We touched on a lot of things and I took all those things into my brain as a little "to do" list, hence the title of this post. And I came home and typed/wrote a couple of lists AND I've taken some steps towards addressing some things on the list. One of the things on the list, something I've been thinking of doing, is trying to get a scholarship for my daughter to attend a drama camp she attended last year. I mentioned this to him and also mentioned that maybe I shouldn't ask for a scholarship again. He said that shouldn't that be for them to decide and as long as I'm getting so good at taking rejection, why not ask. That comment was good for another laugh as were several others that he made.

And it all helped!! So maybe it was a man doing what men do best: "Fixing things" It wasn't really fixing things though, it was guiding and encouraging me towards fixing them myself.

So now I've got my lists.

Rain Poem

2010-06-02T23:23:00.000-07:00

Gently falling rain
Plops, plinks, plunks on leaves, grass, ground
Caressing faces upturned to its touch
As it quietly sings its song of peace and praise

Blessings of sea air and caring people

2010-04-08T00:17:00.000-07:00

Today found me dealing with some stuff regarding my dds health coverage. Due to our employment situation her health coverage is through the state but there's recently been a change in our level of eligibility. Now I'm required to pay a $20 premium AND the provider we've had since moving here is no longer available in our zip code. So this was to mean me needing to sign her up with different insurance altogether. Apparently this is something that has changed for a lot of people. Others have been kicked out of the insurers that are now available to my daughter, into the insurer she had since our move, and visa versa. I found out that last little part while talking to a customer service person at Group Health and the whole situtation just goes to illustrate the craziness of our existing system of healthcare.

At any rate, after my conversation with a person from the Division of Social and Health Services, I was in tears at the prospect of needing to change my daughter to a new plan, facility and doctor. This young and clueless upstart with whom I'd been talking had not helped matters at all. My boss came in late, found me in tears, got the story and gave me the rest ot the day off to deal with the situation. So, instead of going home to make the necessary calls, I went first to the Soundto gather my wits and get some fresh air.

After a brief, walking centering prayer along the water, through the misty day, I returned to my car and started calling people at Group Health. The result: two very kind women took time with me to listen and see how they could help. The first woman found a little loop hole through which I might possibly crawl and then connected me with the second woman who checked into that loophole and called me back before the end of the day(as she had promised) and told me that indeed I(on behalf of my daughter) could crawl through aforementioned loophole and keep my daughter with Group Health as long as I brought her in for some form of medical care before 6 months had passed from her last visit. As it turns out she's due for a shot before she enters 6th grade, so why wait?

So today first blessed by a kind boss. Then blessed by a reasonably healthy body moving through, and breathing in and out, fresh misty air as I affirmed God's ever presence. Then the blessing of two women going above and beyond what their job descriptions called for to help make possible some continuity for my daugher in the midst of challenging times for our family.

I need to find some way to return the blessings and pass them on.

Something I'm realizing

2010-04-04T02:28:00.000-07:00

I think in my last post I talked about me and rules and how easily I can feel hemmed in and restricted by them. So I managed, on Wednesday and Thursday evenings, to spend about 16 minutes each nite in Centering Prayer. Last nite I felt really tired and decided that sitting for Centering Prayer would put me right to sleep. I went to church services on Thursday and Friday evenings though and both evenings I was attentive to being more present, in that same gentle way I'm attempting with CP, during the service. So that feels like something of consequence to me.

As for last nite I spontaneously began to stretch, taking advantage of our stairway as a good spot to easily set up some good stretches. I'm not sure how long I stretched, maybe 10 minutes, but it felt like I was doing yoga or tai chi, Ailey style and I liked it. I decided that it was ok that I wasn't officially doing yoga or tai chi, but that the spirit was what was most important. I think the next time I do that kind of stretching I will attempt to remember to include my mantra of "God lives in me and I live in God" as I'm breathing my way thru my stretches and movements. The stretching felt absolutely fabulous in my body. I felt graceful, fluid and grounded. It was wonderful!! A blessing that happened earlier in the evening was the "stations of the cross" we did from the perspective of women in the bible. Doing from their perspective made the whole experience meaningful for me in a way that it never had been before.

As for today's blessings I will say that working with two older church women and two younger church women Saturday morning, to get our Parish Hall set-up for Easter brunch was a pretty cool experience and another affirmation of my belonging in the community of St. Matthew/
San Mateo. Later in the day talking with other parishioners re: easter candy for easter egg hunts, health care reform, etc. I was reminded again of being a part of this community. It's a good feeling. Then tonite I was on facebook and saw a link to an article about the Bishop of our(Episcopal church in Western, WA)diocese. It was a great article and I appreciated getting a sense of from whence he moves on the various issues confronting our church. I decided to send him a fb friend request. Also, while on facebook I saw a brief post by the Iona community: "Love is come again"....their way of saying: "He is risen". (Happy Easter) It was so lovely. It warmed my heart.

Well I have to go and be the Easter bunny for my daugher, who knows better but still enjoys the ritual, then hop on off to bed.

Blessings

Gonna make this short

2010-04-02T00:57:00.000-07:00

Not sure whether it was residual hormones from my period or the Divine Therapist at work in me last nite as I typed my blog entry and this morning when my daughter and I had a very significant interaction complete with major insight on both of our parts. Last nite I cried as I had a surprising realization and this morning I cried as I apologized to my daughter for something that had transpired between us. Both of these things are more personal than I'm willing to disclose here and, because of the tears, could maybe be chalked up to hormones. But there were real insight that took place in both of those situations and generally with hormones the tears come pretty much alone. So maybe it was the Divine Therapist at work in me. Cool!!

Tonite I attempted a repeat performance. Earlier in the evening I was determined to sit and have some Centering Prayer time. However, as it got later, I found that I was losing connection to that determination. Nevertheless I got myself here(in a chair in front of my computer), had a couple of false starts and finally managed about 14 minutes of CP. I have a mantra(which is suggested by teachers of centering prayer) and had this bright idea that translating it into another language, I think Italian will be the language of choice, might be a good idea, at least make it sound more pleasing to my mind's ear. Anyway I decided that I needed to study my translation for a bit before attempting to use it during prayer and just stuck to the english version for tonite. I think I waited til to late in the day as I think I was actually in the process of dozing off, more than being in Centering Prayer. But I did show up and that's the most important thing for now. So I've managed two days in a row to bless myself with some Centering Prayer time.

Today was Maundy Thursday and we had our service at church which included footwashing. It really is a lovely service, a bit different every time. Earlier in the day my daughter and I had been talking about what Maundy meant. I didn't know. Serendipitously our Priest explained the term this evening. It comes from the Latin Mandate or, in English, Mandate. Maundy Thursday is all about the mandate Jesus gave his disciples at their Passover Seder which also turned out to be their Last Supper together as Teacher and Disciples. His mandate, was that his disciples love one another as he had loved them. This was illustrated by his washing of their feet and a symbol for this loving that he told them to go out into the world and do. And, of course it is the mandate that all Christians have, though the average person would be hard pressed to know that by the behavior of so many people who call themselves Christians. It really is quite a tall order. If you're a believer, and I find that I am, attempting to carry out this mandate from Jesus who is believed by Christians to have been fully Divine and fully Human is nothing short of the tallest order one could ever recieve and requires nothing short of a real inner transformation.

But just imagine if we were able to do that inner work that enabled us to really be able to love one another as Jesus loved us (just bear with me for a bit longer).......talk about Revolutionary!!!

Well I'll leave it there for now.

Starting wherever I am

2010-04-01T00:27:00.000-07:00

I really want to cultivate a practice of Centering Prayer, a discipline of showing up every day for 10-20 minutes but I resist it like I resist going to the Dr. hmmmm......

At any rate for me it seems I need to cast the widest net possible when cultivating a new behavior, as in...I sat for 10 minutes of Centering Prayer in the chair at my computer. Neither of my feet totally touched the ground. My dog started whining to go outside after I'd gotten up when she whined and she wouldn't go outside. So I sat and ignored her. I heard my cat jump down from the counter. It made me jump. When my alarm on my phone rang I jumped then too. I turned it off and then sat for a few more minutes, which turned out to be 7 when I finally stopped.

I just have this weird relationship with rules. Some part of me is bound to break them and then say that my effort was worthless because I broke the rules. Well, dammit!! I sat for 17 minutes in a chair in front of my computer. I got up once to tend to my dog and sat for several more trying to ignore her! My feet didn't touch the ground completely, but I did it!! Tomorrow maybe I'll sit in my car and it will only be for 5 minutes and who know what will interupt me then. But I'm determined to do it!!

There's a double battle going on here. One of the battles is with that part of me that hates restrictions, as mentioned above.

The other is with the part of me that is afraid to really invest in something that is supposed to help me. That "little" insight is thanks to my counselor, Edwin. Yes...thanks Edwin. Somehow when he said it, it wasn't as if I'd never made the connectionm but somehow when he stated it, recalling something I'd told him in another session, back to long ago, it meant more somehow. So long ago when I prayed my heart out for lives to be saved and my prayers were not answered, my heart broke!! I spent years angry at God, then spent more years trying to understand why my prayers weren't answered, as I wanted. And now maybe finally I'm ready to try to invest in prayer again...cognizant that even if I don't get the answer that I want that just maybe that doesn't mean that God doesn't love me. Maybe it just means that we don't always, or often, get what we want, or even what we need, in the form in which we think we need it.

So, to sum it all up, I blessed myself today with Centering Prayer. I broke most of the rules in the way that I did it but I sat, in my imperfect way, and prayed....Day 1. Good goin' girl!

Started a group on facebook

2010-03-31T00:51:00.000-07:00

I've been talking for a while about getting a group started on facebook whose purpose it would be to be a cyber gathering place where friends can support one another in creating a lifestyle of better health and fitness. Finally got it started tonite.

We'll see how it goes and how it grows.

Blog Blessings

2010-03-27T00:47:00.000-07:00

Encountered a new blog today. I read three of the posts and enjoyed each one of them, feeling a sense of connectedness to what the author said in each of the posts. Reading something that resonates in my heart and mind is always a blessing and always welcome.

I've not shown up for many days

2010-03-24T00:43:00.000-07:00

So here I am after a several days hiatus. I'm here not because I'm brimming over with perceived blessings but because I'm struggling, feeling betwixt and between, tho' I couldn't explain what that little phrase is supposed to mean. For me it means that I don't feel that I fit in and have thrived in this world. I've never made a career for myself, I'm a mediocre Mom, I've lost my steam for job-hunting, all false self stuff. But the other world, of the True Self and Oneness and just being doesn't feel like a fit either, at least not yet. But it seems to be where I'm heading or at least need to head and I still feel like I'm not quite ready to let go of my attachment to my false self because I haven't gotten it right yet. Ha ha ha.

I listened twice, over the past two weeks, to a recording loaned to me by my counselor called, "True Self, False Self" by Richard Rohr. I really got a lot out of it and was really looking forward to talking about it with my counselor on Monday. Apparently there was a miscommunication and we didn't actually have an appointment scheduled for Monday as I'd thought we did. So I showed up and he wasn't there and though I didn't start crying there, when alone in my car it quickly became clear to me how disappointed I was.

It's odd because after talking with him and clarifying, at least from his perspective, that we had not set up a time for that day, I realized that I'd intuited some kind of disruption. Although I hadn't come away from our previous session with us not meeting again until I called and made another appointment, as he'd understood things, I had in my mind a sense that maybe he wanted to draw the meetings to a close. When we talked over the phone he mentioned concern for my finances, which are valid, as the reason that he didn't suggest another meeting two weeks from our last one. Since scheduling a session for next week, though, I'm having second, third and fourth thoughts about it. I mean really we're not doing anything that is seemingly of consequence. We're talking about stuff, mostly religious, spiritual stuff. I'm not sharing any deep and dark secrets. What I'm getting is an hour every two weeks with an attractive and sensitive enough man where I can talk and have my thoughts and feelings listened too and have reflected back to me that they're worth something. It's a validation that I seem to need, especially from a man. What, I ask, is wrong with that? Is it something I really need or is it just a want? I'm not sure how to tell the difference.

So, shoulder shrug, who knows? I'm tempted to cancel the next session. Financially I really should, although he's offered to relook at the fee i'm being charged based on the sliding scale. I kind of feel like an idiot, not kinda, I feel big time like an emotionally needy and pathetic....i'll stop there. When we talked on the phone I said that those sessions were like a breath of fresh air. Don't people need some fresh air now and then?

But you know what the worst part is? It's that were I able to not just be ruthlessly harsh with myself for needing or wanting this thing I need/want, or maybe both; were I able to embrace and accept that part of myself as I would in a friend, maybe I'd be well on my way to not needing it from him. Richard Rohr even talks on his recording about how people need to experience that "Love" from someone out in the world before they can find their way to their own True Self and their communion space with God. So that's what ole Edwin has been doing for me. That's maybe even what I was going to explain to him that I felt was happening.

I mean, hell, the only person I have any real chance of counting on to really be there for me in that way over a long period of time, is my True Self, so why can't or don't I stick up for myself here in this situation and say that it is OK that I want this, need this right now. This underemployment shtick sucks!! What's wrong with an hour every 2-4 weeks with someone whose job it is to listen and accept and validate and hear and care, at least a little bit? Is that really too much to ask, especially of someone who's decided his calling is Pastoral Counseling?

Well I did some venting on this sore and humiliating subject. That's my blessing for today. I gave myself some time to articulate this.. Maybe it will make it easier for me to stop fighting myself on it..just let it be what it is and quit labeling and judging it.

That's all.

The Blessing of Belonging

2010-03-18T00:02:00.000-07:00

Today's blessing is the sense that I "belong" to my church...not because I pledge money, but because I belong. We're a mottley assortment of folks and i think that is just the sort of situation that I fit best in. It is a home base of sorts from where I/we reach out into the world. I feel a certain level of appreciation for who I am. It's a good feeling.

Yoga for "Big Girls"

2010-03-17T00:54:00.000-07:00

The other day I found a yoga video in the library catalog that is aimed at "plus size" women. I placed a hold and picked it up at the library yesterday and put it in tonite. I did the workout and really think that it's a good fit for me at this time and size in my life.

Some of my favs...a Haiku in 3 Lines

2010-03-15T22:47:00.000-07:00

sunshine and blue sky
my daughter's smiles and antics
these are favorites

Blessings of Exercise and Eating

2010-03-13T02:06:00.000-08:00

I exercised to a dance exercise tape I have checked out from the library. I bought a copy of the dvd from Borders online with a bday gift card, and am waiting its arrival with great anticipation.

On another bday note I had a belated bday lunch with a friend from church. She took me out and we ate yummy mexican food and had interesting conversation.

Fun blessings.

The Blessing of a Beer in a Pub with an Old Friend

2010-03-12T00:44:00.000-08:00

Met up with a friend I haven't seen in 30 years. I knew her first at 6th grade camp, then in Jr. High and then High school. I consider it a blessing that so many people I knew as far back as High school I would still want to count among my friends. She is one of those so many people. She's been out here for 3 weeks training for a new project with her job and leaves to go home tomorrow. She's been busy and I know is tired, but still managed to make some time to meet up. We had a nice chat over a couple of beers. It was good to see her. Old friends are blessings.

A Warm, Furry Blessing

2010-03-09T23:41:00.000-08:00

One should never take for granted a warm, comfy and cozy bed in a warm house. Add to that a kitty who likes to lay across one's chest and....it doesn't get much better than that...different but not better...no need for much in the way of words with kitties. A simpler relationship all around. And for me at age 50, living with my husband as a roommate, rather than partner, I don't see in the cards being blessed with the comforting experience of a human sleeping companion again, at least not any time soon, if ever. My good friend, who's been happily enough married for 25 years informed me that my chances weren't too good of finding a male partner at my age. Apparently they are in relatively short supply and cats...well we all know that there are more than enough cats to go around.

So tonite's blessing is my warm, safe home, my warm, cozy and comfy bed and my warm, cuddly and dear Sweet Pea.

What else is there to say?

Good Counseling Session

2010-03-08T23:09:00.000-08:00

Another good session with my counselor. In response to something I said, he shared something that one of his supervisors said; counselors and clients have a way of finding their way to one another, somehow having something that the other needs for their healing or growth. He, as someone who clearly seems to have found his calling late in life, gives me hope that I might do the same, jokingly referred to himself as a beacon for me. He didn't say what I have that he might need, if indeed I do have anything. I shared resources with him, a book title and he loaned me a recording he thought I would enjoy. I like him a lot. Me being matched with him is a blessing indeed!!

Also I blessed myself this evening with 10 minutes of centering prayer.

Several blessings to count today....

2010-03-06T00:50:00.000-08:00

A couple more days of blue sunny skies...Friday and Saturday

An unexpected phone chat with an old friend from college.

Seeing in my daughter's precious sleeping face, in the way her mouth relaxes in sleep, shades of her precious toddler face relaxed in sleep.

Those are a few from today...

Oh..and birthday gift cards to bookstores...

Sky Haiku

2010-03-04T00:25:00.000-08:00

Blue skies, puffy clouds
Lovely, tall trees reach skyward
What treasured blessings.

Monday's Blessings

2010-03-01T23:05:00.000-08:00

Today I did not do any centering prayer. I continued to listen to Father Richard Rohr talk about the Enneagram. I feel I am in the preparation stage before beginning my practice of centering prayer. Ok I'm full of it. I'm just putting it off, for fear that I won't be able to stick with it or do it right AND that it won't work on me...Oh well. I know it's what is called for. I will get to it. It's just a matter of time, I hope.

The good news...I did exercise to a great dvd i got from the library. Latin dance for exercise. Kathy Smith, the teacher, is good. I exercised for 25-30 minutes. I may need to buy this one.

Other good news. Got the names of the librarians with whom I interviewed with so I can send them thank you letters. Duh...what took me so long? Of course I'm paralyzed with fear that I'm not saying it just right, or making the right points....meaning the ones they'll want to hear. It's just so agonizing that this is my one chance and.....Well the letter is written for the first librarian and copied into a new document for the second librarian. I'll sleep on the whole thing and take another look tomorrow and see if I want to add or change anything to either letter, get them printed up and in the mail.

Still more good news....still no soda drinking, just my carbonated water that has the slightest essence of citrus, mixed with a little fruit juice. And tonite I didn't even add fruit juice and I still liked it. Not so good news...I have been eating lots of GS cookies...but our family has eaten our stash..so....no more cookies to eat. I always find something though, so far.

Final good news for today...I went to return a blazer i'd purchased to wear, but ended up not wearing, to my interview last week and found two cute tops to exchange for it; actually one cute one and one GORGEOUS, I need to go someplace special so I can wear it(like to a counseling session with Edwin, who, with my luck, will find it too busy looking and unattractive ;)) shirt. Funny thing it goes great with the skirt I got last week when I bought the blazer that I returned today. The skirt was part of an alternative outfit that i did not end up wearing. Now I have a beautiful top to wear with it, a top which was not there last week. Now I just need a blazer or sweater to wear with the those two garments. I just love Goodwill!!

So that's all for today folks.

Saturday and Sunday's blessings

2010-03-01T00:12:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went to a great workshop on "Welcoming Prayer". I was able to attend at a much reduced price and although I arrived late, I still got a lot out of it. This Welcoming Prayer and the practice of Centering Prayer are two practices I intend to cultivate and know that I need to cultivate.

Today I'm thinking that where I need to be showing up daily is to the practices of Centering and Welcoming Prayer.

Thursday's blessing in the wee small hours of Friday

2010-02-26T00:42:00.000-08:00

I'm very sleepy and have too many things to do before hitting the hay...so

Today's blessing...my car passed its emissions test.

I did some exercise this am, self-blessing
Made a dinner we all enjoyed, everyone blessing, and satisfying everyone is no easy feat.

that's all she wrote

Wednesday's Blessings

2010-02-25T00:39:00.000-08:00

First--the drive to my interview in Issaquah was uneventful despite the rain, and quite lovely. I do love the rain and the clouds....not the solid gray variety, but the ones that come and go, along with the rain, with a few sunbreaks thrown in for good measure.

Second--the interviews, blessedly, for good or ill, or done. Hopefully I'll be contacted for a skills assessment next and will emerge from the whole process with a high rank, which would put me in a better position to interview for actual permanent positions. Not feeling the best about the interview, kind of had some trouble dredging up examples from this that and the other, but......it is what it is. Besides, Issaquah is a neat little town, nestled between foothills, really pretty cool.

Blessed myself with some movement today...dancing to a latin dance exercise video in the morning and bopping to oldies but goodies on youtube tonite....love that youtube....never got to actually see most of these bands whose music I enjoyed during my highschool years, back when they were current. It's neat to watch video recordings of these songs performed live.

And still no soda.

Today's blessing

2010-02-22T23:09:00.000-08:00

Saw my counselor, Edwin, today.
It was a good session, an affirming session and my blessing for today.

Copied from a daily meditation I receive from Father Richard Rohr

2010-02-22T00:59:00.000-08:00

Question of the day: How does dualistic thinking create violent people?

We Christians, who dare to worship the scapegoat, Jesus, became many times in history the primary scapegoaters ourselves—of Jews, heretics, sinners, witches, homosexuals, the poor, the natives in the New World, slaves, other denominations, and other religions. It’s rather hard to believe that we missed such a central message.
The pattern of exporting our evil elsewhere, and righteously hating it there, with impunity, is in the hardwiring of all peoples. After all, our religious task is to separate from evil, isn’t it? That is the well-disguised lie! Any exclusionary process of thinking, any exclusively dualistic thinking, will always create violent and hateful people on some level.
This I state as an absolute, and precisely because the cross revealed it to me. The crucifixion scene is our standing icon stating both the problem and the solution for all of history.
Adapted from Things Hidden: Scripture as Spirituality, p. 143

Mantra:Jesus, help me absorb and transform evil.

a blessing and a prayer

2010-02-22T00:45:00.000-08:00

I made myself do my exercises today, a self-blessing.

Now for the real stuff....not exactly a blessing...

Instead a request for thoughts and prayers for a family...father, mother, daughter in 3rd of 4rth grade who I teach in Sunday school sometimes. She is very sweet and a good reader who is happy to read when we have our bible story. This evening I learned that this family, originally from Mexico, will be split up. I don't know the details, or why this is happening exactly, but I surmise that the father is being deported or maybe the father and mother. The daughter cannot leave the country, so they will leave without her and I guess she will stay with other family. That's bad enough. But you know what's worse? The father is dying. So when Mom and Dad leave, it will have been the last time that the daughter sees her father.

Please, hold them all in your thoughts and prayers....that they may be aware of God's presence within and around them always....and be held and comforted by that awareness of God's constant, abiding presence.

Friday's Blessing

2010-02-19T23:12:00.000-08:00

Today's blessing is the day, Friday, the start of the weekend.

Ok there may be another one. My neighbor from across the street called tonite. I'd talked with her husband yesterday about the fan in my car that circulates the heat for heating and defrosting it. It's broken. Turns out he's going thru a certification program at the community college that's just down the street to become an auto mechanic. His class is looking for cars to repair. So he offered to take my car to his class where they'll take a look at that problem, and a couple of others that they mentioned and see if they can fix any of them. So we'll see....

One more thing...I intended to do my new exercise routine but ran out of time. Instead I found a short video on how to do the cha cha and got a little tutorial in the cha cha. So I got my hearrate up doing a little cha cha ing this morning. A little self blessing this morning. And another day of no soda.

Ok that's it....well probably not but all I'm going to list for tonite. Looking forward to the blessing of that warm bed.....

short and sweet

2010-02-19T00:35:00.000-08:00

Super tired tonite...so I'll make it short

I read something today that claimed that a scientific study in China indicated that consumption of large amounts of soda increases one's risk for pancreatic cancer. Scary stuff. A friend and I discussed, and it may go the way of so many other studies where one day something is bad and a few years later it's not after all.

No matter to me. I've decided to stop drinking soda. I'll get my caffiene from green tea and the occasional non-fat mocha and i'll get my carbonation from sparkling mineral water with a little fruit juice thrown in. I already tried it tonite and it was quite satisfying.

So that's today's blessing...a study that may or may not indicate that consumption of two or more sodas a week significantly increases ones risk for the above mentioned disease. No matter I've been drinking lots of soda for years. At least it's not been diet soda, which has to be worse...I mean really. No matter, because for some reason that "info" has started me down a path. I'm going to go with it and hope to build up some real momentum towards some healthier habits.

Friends

2010-02-18T00:29:00.000-08:00

I probably list this blessing, in one form or another, more than any other.

But friends, all kinds, and the communities we build and make and grow into...are what will save our world, if we can pull it off. As I paraphrased an indigenous Canadian man several weeks back....God gives a community all it needs to be happy and thrive.

We just need to see these gifts in each other and encourage one another to allow them to emerge and grow. It often takes someone else, coming from another perspective, to see the gifts in us that we ourselves seem only able to see through lenses clouded with self-judgement.

Tonite I was chatting with a friend who lives in Missouri, where I am from. We were roomies in college for one semester. Lost touch after a couple of years or so and ran into each other at a mall in St. Louis when my now 11yo daughter was a toddler, about 20 years after first meeting. We didn't see each other too much after that but communicated regularly via email and have been first emailing back and forth and than chatting online the entire time i've been out here.

She and her husband lost their jobs last year about a month after my husband was laid off. So we've all been looking for about a year and it sucks!! She is a very creative person who really would rather make and sell her creations than get one of these dumb jobs that noone wants to interview or hire her for anyway. But she struggles with regrets, as I do, of not making more of herself when she was younger. Tonite it just occured to me after mentioning a comment another friend had made about having doubts about her "calling" to ask Sara to play this little game called, "you tell me my calling and I'll tell you yours" Her initial response was that she had no clue about either of us. I said let's just do it for fun and I started. I didn't really tell her anything she didn't already know but I told it in a way that showed I saw her through a lense unclouded by the negative judgement with which she tends to view herself. It seemed to help her.

Then she surprised me by turning around and telling me some stuff about what she saw as my "calling" and really got on a roll. Some of it was kind of surprising, most not totally new. But it was all encouraging. Yesterday I got a tarot "reading" from a Tarot Reader's website. Every Tuesday she picks a card and says that there is something in the card for all of us. She calls this weekly post "Intuitive Tuesday". The card she picked yesterday was the "hanging man". Her interpretation was that is was indicating that there was an issue in each of our lives where we were needing a fresh perspective. I could certainly relate to that statement as I've been thinking again about pursuing an AA in Occupational Therapy Assisting. I even went to an Open House last Thursday evening at the school. But there continues to be something that holds me back from pursuing it. I think I want it to be a fit because it is practical and there's probably good job prospects and the school is just down the street. So the fresh perspective card fit me to a "T" but i didn't choose to hang upside down just then, as she recommended, and try for a different vantage point that way. Instead I left it alone then and tonite, without remembering the card, proceeded to get that fresh perspective from my friend.

Her perspective didn't indicate OTA degree at all. It indicated something much less defined: something helping people yes, but not in the physical realm, more in the mental, emotional spiritual realm. I've regretted for years not going thru with my study for a Masters in Counseling degree. I was accepted into a school and let the money issue stop me in my tracks. I actually think it was just an excuse. Truth be told I was scared and I was young. And maybe some of my scared was because I was young and because daring to counsel people is a pretty big responsibility and maybe I just knew intuitively that I just didnt' have the maturity at that point. Who knows if I do now but I do have more than I did then and, as my friend said, we're too old to spend our time on something that doesn't just really grab our imaginations. Not her exact words but you get the meaning.

So I guess this subject of my "calling" is one more thing I need to add to the list of topics I want to discuss with counselor Edwin next visit. The list is long. I could probably keep him busy for three hours with all the things I've been thinking about.
Back to the blessing of friends and community. I'm reminded of the reference I made in that same post about what God gives communities, several weeks back, about the difference between heaven and hell being what people do when presented with overly long sets of chopsticks. My friend and I each took our long chopsticks and fed one another tonite. A little slice of heaven....quite a blessing indeed.

Blessing in disguise of sorts...

2010-02-17T00:03:00.000-08:00

Came to my blog tonite knowing I've gotten kind of lax with my posts as of late and with no clue as to what I would post tonite. Then it came to me.

Last nite I was working on a "Declaration" for a dear friend of mine who took her children and left her husband and went into hiding a couple of days ago. She did not feel she could just ask him for a divorce. She is afraid of him, afraid he might take the kids and disappear, says the he is emotionally abusive and I believe her. She has now seen a lawyer, gotten a restraining order and, I think, is starting proceedings for a divorce. He is a good actor, only slipped once in my presence, and who knows what he has up his sleeve?

So where is the blessing? Well looking at her circumstances I cannot help but feel, by comparison, blessed with mine. My marriage is NOT a happy one. My husband and I have not shared a bedroom or bed for the majority of our 12 years of married life. I am lonely for the companionship of a real romantic partner and feel trapped in this empty marriage. We are together basically for our child. However, when our employment situations improve, a separation or divorce is what I want to move in the direction of; Something that's yet to be discussed between the two of us, but something I feel in my heart needs to happen.

All that being said, I still feel blessed that my situation is merely an unhappy one, an unaffirming one, at least where my husband and I are concerned. (My daughter and the relationship we share is the light of my life.) It's not one where he spends time trying to control me or put me down or keep me in my place, unlike my friend's marriage. I'm given plenty of freedom to do my own thing, as is my husband, unlike my friend in her marriage. Communication is infrequent, and only when needed, or when the mood strikes him, but he does not put me down or badger or belittle me, unlike my friend's treatment by her husband. Sometimes the three of us even joke and laugh and that is real. In my friend's situation it's hard to know what is real and what isn't. Her husband is a great actor, so people outside of his immediate family have no notion of how things are; and my friend has, by circumstances, been forced to be a good actress as well. I have not liked the way my husband's working, when he was, and me not, or only part-time, made me feel vulnerable and not on equal footing. Since his lay-off things feel much different in that respect. We're all vulnerable and he and I are both looking for full or fuller time employment. We'll see what happens once that comes to pass.

My husband is not putting on some show to impress the world. He is who he is. He isn't trying to appear like the best dad and I trust that the way he is with my daughter is real love, imperfect love, but his real love for his daughter, not to impress her or other people. So my marriage is basically lonely and unhappy and empty, but it could be soooooo much worse and it's not. Because of all of that I feel blessed and I am.

Today's Blessing`

2010-02-15T00:56:00.000-08:00

Good friends, adopted family....always...everyday...like so many things we take for granted. Not a day goes by that I'm not blessed in some way by another person.

Today I'm reminded once again of the great blessings... of an old friend who listens and listens as I unload fears, frustrations, feelings; of a not as old friend who doesn't listen so much, instead gives me clear and concise advice that helps me not feel quite so panicky; and the person who is really more of an acquaintance than friend, but due to circumstances one would never hope for or dream of, suddenly becomes someone with whom I have important things in common.

Then a fun little one: a "Happy Valentine's Day" pay it forward at Starbucks, which I paid forward as well, along with a "Happy Valentine's Day" wish, compliments of my birthday Starbucks card.

I may be redundant with my blessings sometimes, talking a lot about the blessings of friends and community, but they are the glue that gets us thru.

I'm up waaaay to late

2010-02-14T03:25:00.000-08:00

Birthday party at my church tonite. I enjoyed the mix of cultures: East Indian, Fiji and Mexican mainly.

I bought some art supplies for the 10yo birthday girl and I think she'll like them. Her mom says she's always writing stories...Just dont see how you can go wrong with colored pencils, markers and a small spiral sketch book.

There was great food and fun dancing at the party too. Probably ate too much but danced quite a bit too....and it was fun.

Another short and sweet one...

2010-02-12T00:20:00.000-08:00

Fixed a quick, easy and healthy meal this evening, inspired by the same website my friend sent me to the other day...Felt competent and confident, at least felt some glimmers of the two, and wondered why I don't manage to spend more of my time feeling that way.

Did my new exercise routine a second time this week. My muscles and I appreciate the exertion. Glad I did it again.

Had an insight about my counselor, Edwin, on whom I had a crush for several weeks, and with whom I went from infatuation to disillusionment during the course of a session. The veil of illusion was lifted from my eyes but no new sight/insight came until tonite.

To be continued....

Teachers who go above and beyond

2010-02-11T00:32:00.000-08:00

My dear daughter performed in the 2nd of 2 performances of a play/musical she was in tonite. She played Fern in "Charlotte's Web" and did a great job, got lots of compliments. She is blessed with many natural gifts. I'm envious. But that is not the subject of my blessing for today.

Her two teachers, who volunteered all of their time for auditions, rehearsals and performances, to make this show happen, are the blessings about whom I want to speak.

They blessed the students in the play and, by extension, the students' families and the entire school community with the generous way they shared their talents, encouragement, coaching, time and on and on. And I know they are not the exception, at least not at my daughter's school and probably not in many schools.

As we were driving home I remarked to my daughter about how fortunate she was to be blessed with many natural talents and reminded her, unnecessarily, of how she still needed to work hard to develop her gifts to the fullest. I also told her that she needed to share those gifts whenever she could, my spiritual beliefs speaking, because truly our gifts are meant to be shared and are not really all they can be until they are. In the case of acting and singing, it's not just the sharing by performing that I mean, but the sharing the way her teachers share. Passing those gifts along to those who want to share in them.

So thanks Mrs. B and Ms. B. You two are true gems and bless your students and the wider community, myself included, daily with your energy and devotion to helping your students blossom in ways both large and small. May you both be blessed with continued love and passion for your craft and with the appreciation of the many who benefit from that love and passion.

Amen.

Blessings of Inspiration

2010-02-10T00:21:00.000-08:00

Today had too brief of a chat with one of my dearest friends...
Heard her son "starving" in the background and asked what she'd made for dinner. She told me and on hanging up I promptly looked up the recipe on the website she mentioned and whipped up a yummy dinner that all enjoyed. I've been to that website many a time...don't know why I don't think of it on my own. Maybe after today's reminder I will begin to.

So today's blessing is the quiet way my friend inspires and encourages me simply by her example, by being who she is and doing what she does, to make something that I have stuck in my mind as a big annoying hassle, just a matter of fact.

Thanks dear friend and may you be blessed always.

Exercise

2010-02-07T23:53:00.000-08:00

Such a blessing when one engages in the appropriate type and amount. I think I did that tonite.

I've been feeling like such a slug lately and know that my muscles have to be withering away somewhat from lack of any real exercise. I found a short workout online, consisting of 7 exercises I can perform with my body weight or that of things I can find around the house. It gets you started with one set of each exercise performing anywhere from 8-15 reps, 2 times a week. However since this is only Sunday I can see me doing these exercises a third time this week. Of course, it remains to be seen whether I make it to a third time or not. I worked my body and it felt good.

Yay!!

My daughter's blessing is mine too

2010-02-07T00:04:00.000-08:00

Tonite, as my daughter sleeps in the recliner chair nearby, after an afternoon and evening of fun play with a very good friend, I'm thinking that her blessing is my blessing.

Her playmate today was a girl she's been friends with since 2nd grade. They are now in 5th grade. They've had their ups and downs, but seem to have something real and enduring. I feel blessed by their friendship and the way it seems to enrich them both.

That's all for now. Must figure out a way to get her into bed without doing injury to my 50 plus years out of shape body.

today's blessing

2010-02-05T00:35:00.000-08:00

I think this will be the shortest yet.

I'm blessed by having a comfy cozy bed to hop into. And to bed I go.

Blessing of the day...

2010-02-04T00:52:00.001-08:00

Thrift Stores...

I love em.....One person's "tired of's, don't need, want or use anymore's, are another person's treasures.

The ultimate in reuse!!

some blessings from the opposite sex.....

2010-02-03T00:33:00.000-08:00

As I swept the carpet in my bedroom this evening(we need a better vacuum) and ruminated about my counseling session yesterday and a chat with a male facebook friend last nite, during which we shared stories of unrequited loves from 30 years ago, some pieces fell into place and the subject for this evening's post presented itself.

The Monday after Christmas was my first counseling session with Edwin. I walked in to meet him for the first time and was quite struck by his physical appearance; he was very attractive. I was impressed in our first session with his gentle approach and candid response to my questions. I left that session with quite a crush. Flash forward to yesterday. I'd spent a few weeks feeling infatuated, came in for my session feeling excited by the recording I'd been listening to on my drive to the session. At a certain point in the beginning of the session I got the sense that maybe my enthusiasm and energy were a bit too much, and I felt not appreciated for who I was in those moments. As I looked back to those moments, and the rest of the session during my ruminations this evening, I realized that that moment was the beginning of the end of my infatuation. I felt like I was too excited, too big, too who knows what?, and my infatuation withered into nothingness. I see this as a good thing really. Of course he never would have really been a romantice prospect, but I took it as something of a positive that he lost his appeal. Why waste time investing feelings on someone who doesn't "get" you doesn't appreciate you? And of course this could all be my little neuroses, transferences, projections, whatever playing themselves out, but honestly I'm kind of relieved to have that little obsession behind me. A blessing really. Now maybe I can deal more freely with whatever needs to be dealt with in counseling.

Now on to my male facebook friend and the blessings that came from him. We were chatting about some stuff, he got into reminiscing about some past romantic disappointments and we decided to do an "I'll tell you if you tell me thing." So he told me his story and then asked to hear mine. I almost lost my nerve. It was about a torch I'd carried for a guy starting in 9th grade and lasted thru my senior year. In some ways it's simmered in a safe torch holder ever since. I'd mentioned this crush weeks ago during another chat and he had, unwittingly, minimized my feelings by saying that all sorts of girls had a crush on him but my friend couldn't dislike him because Stew was a really nice guy. So last nite I told him not to comment until I got the whole story out about the nite the "love" was born. He obliged and when I was finished and claiming that the date Stew had taken me on my Senior year was a pity date, my friend insisted that he didn't think it would have been because Stew wasn't that kind of guy. He also contradicted my statement that we the two of us really weren't meant to be together. Stew had the same girlfriend most of the those years, it just happened that the nite we first danced together and then danced again and again and again that nite, that his girlfriend wasn't there. I fell in love that nite. And it was thru my "chat" with my male friend and his reaffirming of his own conviction of what a good guy Stew was, that I realized something important about my feelings for Stew. I was attracted to him for two main reasons: He was damn cute and very comfie to slow dance with and he was really a kind guy who never in all those years of having to know that I had it bad for him made a joke out of it, at least not so as it ever got back to me. He even wrote something very sweet in my yearbook my senior year.

It was just something about sharing it with my friend Bert, and the way he responded that was just really validating of my experience. So big blessings from my friend Bert.

That's it for tonite.

:)

Feeling "Blessed", all about Perpective

2010-01-31T14:05:00.000-08:00

I took yesterday off from "Showing Up" and today will belatedly report on yesterday's blessing that, last nite, wasn't at all obvious. A dear friend commented, in response to another of my posts, that for her often when she feels most uninspired is when something is forming beneath the surface. Such, I think, was the case with me yesterday regarding the conference I attended.

Most of the message was not new to me, some of it was an affirmation of things I'd sensed for many years and now, finally, in that context, was affirmed.

There was one thing, said by the keynote speaker at the end of the day, that was like a bolt of lightning, so strongly did it hit me. This is the subject of my blessing for yesterday:

He spoke of a conversation with a person in his diocese who, at one point, said, "God gives a community everything it needs to be happy and thrive". I heard that and a bunch of pieces just fell into place for me. The person quoted by the speaker was probably referring to a church community but I heard "world community" and was struck with an epiphany.

Suddenly prayers that had not been answered as I would have wanted so many years ago and statements people had made about God answering their prayers juxtaposed with so many horrible injustices where people's prayers clearly had not been answered all came clear. God gives us/has given us, the world community, what we need to be happy and thrive. In Christian terms we are "the body of Christ" in the world, at least that's who we're called to be to one another. The raw materials are all available to us to put things right in the world. We just need to work together...simple but not easy.

As has been conveying my experience. Sounds so easy in my head, but I just don't feel I've captured it. So I'll leave it at that.

Sunday's blessing:

Was asked to do Sunday school. One of the moms offered to stay and help. We had a good discussion around the story. We were really only together for 30 minutes tops...but that time and the way the discussion went really did something for me. I came home so inspired, full of ideas of things I wanted to sew. It was such a boost, such a blessing!!

Short Post

2010-01-30T00:15:00.000-08:00

Early day tomorrow-

I'm going to a conference "Communion with Creation", and I feel blessed that I can go and pay what I feel I can afford instead of the $40 registration.

I hope to return here feeling blessed by the experiences of the day.

She's ba ack...

2010-01-29T00:06:00.000-08:00

So I'm here and am not feeling particularly inspired.

But I know I'm blessed daily, hour by hour, minute by minute. I just need to stop and take notice of them.

I did bless myself today with some aerobic exercise at my church. One of the much younger and very in shape women who attends our church has started leading a Zumba class on Thursday evenings. I went tonite and made it through a good portion of it but did get tired so stopped early. I 'm not sure I'll do a repeat performance. As one of the most overweight person's there, it felt kind of uncomfortable. Plus there was a peanut gallery of just pre-middle school boys, probably watching the cute young girls in the group, but all of their laughter was hard to ignore. I did go and get some exercise tho' so that was a self-blessing.

The big one, now that I've reflected for a few minutes, was the two links a facebook friend of mine posted in response to last nite's "state of the union" address. I checked them both out and had big laughs in response to them. On her page I posted, "That's it for me and real news. From now on it's Jon Stewart all the way else I'll be cryin' a flood of tears, as in 'if you dont' laugh at it you cry'" That man is soooo good at what he does. I feel blessed by his insightful and humorous take on the news. He has a real eye for seeing the absurd in what our politicians do and framing it in a way that makes it laughable.

Thanks a ton Jon. :)

Showing up...still

2010-01-27T23:32:00.001-08:00

There was a show that came on the tv tonite about our local children's hospital. I had no interest in watching it and learning a bit about all the good work they do for so many families of children. I don't like to think about severe illness in children. It is frightening...so I shut it out as much as I can.

But it didn't take more than the minute the show was on to remind me once again of the blessing of good health that I and my family and friends have had, for the most part. When I think and realize that there are so many people who struggle daily and yearly with health issues it reminds me of what a precious gift good health is.

I'm so very grateful for that gift and pray, selfishly, that it continues for me and mine. Don't get me wrong....I don't wish the bad health on others....I wish it on NOONE and wish good health and peace and plenty for ALL. So much of that is completely out of my hands tho'.

That's another scary thing to realize....it's human nature to become complacent with abundance, in the form of good health, food shelter, just enough of what one needs...Any of it can be gone in a moment. And I KNOW without a doubt that I and mine have not been blessed because we're somehow more deserving...not a chance...

So I also, and more importantly, pray for the grace, strength, compassion and courage to deal with whatever comes my way and the ways of those I love and care about.

I end tonite with this, one of my favorite prayers. It is The Lord's Prayer, New Zealand style:

Eternal Spirit, Earth-maker, Pain-bearer, Life-giver,
Source of all that is and that shall be,
Father and Mother of us all,
Loving God, in whom is heaven:
The hallowing of your name echo through the universe!
The way of your justice be followed by the peoples of the world!
Your heavenly will be done by all created beings!
Your commonwealth of peace and freedom sustain our hope and come on earth.
With the bread we need for today, feed us.
In the hurts we absorb from one another, forgive us.
In times of temptation and test, strengthen us.
From trials too great to endure, spare us.
From the grip of all that is evil, free us.
For you reign in the glory of the power that is love, now and for ever.
Amen

Showing up Day....lost count

2010-01-26T23:34:00.000-08:00

Blessed with beautiful sunshine today. The third or fourth day of significant sunshine in less than a week.

Love it also when the beautiful sunshiney day yields to a night sky that is clear and star-filled.

It Doesn't Have to be a Damn Book!

2010-01-26T00:04:00.000-08:00

Tonite I am reporting on three days worth of blessings:

Saturday's blessing was the fact that a LOT of people came out and celebrated my 50th birthday two days early(Monday not being the best day for a party). I've lived out here for 3 1/2 years and have made friends and am part of my church community. HUGE Blessing!!

Sunday's blessing was the fact that my DEAR friend drove up to visit me for my birthday. Can that blessing count for Monday, my actual birthday too? It is another HUGE Blessing!! Two days HUGE for sure.

Monday, besides the blessing of my dear friend's visit, I started my 51st year of life at 6:50 pm. Lots of people aren't blessed with a half century of life. I feel blessed, grateful and a bit anxious about Time's Ceaseless March. But blessed nonetheless.

That's It!!

Today's blessing

2010-01-23T00:16:00.000-08:00

Today I blessed myself with a walk. My neighbor from across the street and I took a good half hours walk. So my body, especially legs and lungs were blessed by the walk. My brain and heart by the company and the talk and my soul by the view.

It was a treat to walk with someone and bonus to find that our politics are similar.

She wants a repeat, mentioned walking everyday. I'll have to start doing it and do so until my new job, yet to be landed, makes walking at 3pm not workable.

Tonite I'm tired after that exercise...so will head to bed soon.

I'm also feeling blessed by the books on cd i've been listening to lately: "Encountering the Wisdom Jesus" by Cynthia Bourgeault and "The Eternal Now" recordings from a conference by Father Richard Rohr and Thomas Keating...both works that are encouraging me to get my own practice of centering prayer going and are salve to my ears, heart and soul.

So that's it.

a meditation by Richard Rohr

2010-01-22T00:13:00.000-08:00

Tonite when I would be writing this post...I'm chatting with a friend on facebook. Knew him in highschool. Probably Jr High too. We were never close but he reached out to me on facebook. He seems to need to connect. So we are doing so.

I was blessed this evening by the most beautiful email meditation from Richard Rohr. Thought provoking and revolutionary and, did I mention, beautiful?

It is below...

Question of the Day:Whom do I expel or exclude in my life?
The absolute religious genius of Jesus is that he ignores all debt codes, purity codes, religious quarantines, and the endless searching for sinners. He refuses to divide the world into the pure and the impure, much to the chagrin of almost everybody—then and now. Unlike most churches, he is not into “sin management.” He is into transformation.
Jesus is shockingly not upset with sinners! He is only upset with people who do not think they are sinners. In most of history, religion thought its mission was to somehow expel sin and evil. As if it could. After Jesus we find out that the real sin lies in the very act of expelling. Jesus knew there is no place to expel it to. It only hides underground.
Either we carry and transform the evil of human history as our own problem, or we increase its power by hating and punishing it “over there.” It will eventually come back to bite us. Jesus taught us how to hold, absorb, and transform the human situation, not to deny it, punish it, or project it elsewhere. He then dramatically illustrated this pattern on the cross, and it became resurrection!

Not counting days anymore....I'm here

2010-01-20T23:58:00.000-08:00

Went to a class at my church tonite. It is called EFM, which stands for Education for Ministry. The idea behind it is that all parishioners have ministries in the Episcopal church, even if they are not ordained. EFM is a four year intensive course. The first year is the study of the Old Testament , the 2nd year is the study of the New Testament. The 3rd year, the history of the Christian church and the 4th year the Anglican and Episcopal churches. I was in first year last nite but didn't read a lot of the material. This year I am auditing but this is the first time I've gone. I plan to repeat year one and try to read a bit more.

Anyway went to the class this evening and here is where I found my blessing....among the people there. The class begins with a "check-in" around some questions designed to get people reflecting. Tonite's check-in was based around these questions:

Recall a time during the past weeik when you experienced:
God's presence-I described the experience I had of hearing about the people of Haiti working together supporting one another(yesterday's post)
God's blessing-I described this blog and focused on the blessing of never having had to worry about where I would stay or having enough to eat
An obstacle to receiving God's grace-I described my fear, anxiety and negativity that would close my mind
Suprised by God' ironic way of doing things-couldn't think of anything

Everyone had different things to share...plenty of different perspectives. I enjoyed everyone's check-in and got some positive responses to what I said. As it turned out one of the classmembers had a caregiver with her who, coincidentally, is from Haiti. She joined in with the class. It was pretty cool. She reported that her family members are all safe. She'll be back next week and so took some material to read in preparation. I have a feeling that she is not an Episcopalian, though a Christian. Still she seemed to find common ground with us.

I came away from the class enriched by the study and the fellowship of studying in a community.

Quite a blessing.

a

Prayers for people in Haiti

2010-01-20T00:04:00.001-08:00

Today I was listening to "The World" on PRI and heard a journalist who is in Haiti talking about the people there and how folks were doing. More relief is getting to folks...finally helicopters are being used to bring water, food, supplies to the people. And haitians are hearing on the radio that help is coming that people care.

Anyway this woman said that President Clinton had remarked that he thought that in many ways the level of crime and violence is down in Haiti since the earthquake. The reporter said that yes, there were pockets of unrest, some crime and looting but for the most part people were really rising to the occasion, helping one another.

So here's the thought that came to me: Many, many, many, God only knows how many, people are holding the Haitians, and everyone there helping, in their prayers. And you know what? It's helping!!! Before this quake happened who was thinking about the people of Haiti? Many folks were, but probably many more were not, myself included.

This is why prayer is so important...it works!! But not as in God hears the loudest prayers and intervenes from whence those loudest prayers come. I think that somehow our prayers help people sense that Indwelling Presence of God. And how can that sensing of that Presence not strengthen people and even harmonize them with one another?

Anyway I heard that reporter say that and tears came to my eyes and I cheered, "You go people of Haiti!! You keep on!! We are pulling for you!! You are not alone!!"

So we must continue to hold them for as long as it takes.

Amen.

2010-01-19T00:30:00.000-08:00

"From chaos and emptiness,From loneliness and lifelessness,Come, Creator, Come.

From darkness and shapelessness, From abyss and awfulness,Come, Creator, Come.

From fearfulness and hopelessness,From weakness and dreadfulness,Come, Creator, Come."

David Adam, Tides and Seasons

I was thinking about what I would say tonite...not feeling very grateful or blessed at all. Filled instead with anger and disappointment and brokenheartedness. You see I don't want to step into the place of really baring my soul to my counselor because I don't want to let go of the idea that somehow he could someday be my friend or more, even though I know these are just desperate and probably displaced longings. But what am I going to do, drive the hour drive one time a week and pay what I pay, and really can't afford, to simply chat about spirituality and existential angst? I'm not getting any younger here. It's time to release the grip on the fantasy of that "good enough" love and figure out how to be there for myself. So, understandably, I wasn't feeling so grateful with what I see as my choices.

Then on my way here I stopped by my gmail (which is being really screwy and frustrating as of late) and quite by accident opened the email that contained the above prayer. It is absolutely perfect for how I'm feeling this evening and as I read the prayer and realized how perfectly it fit and how timely it was I was reminded of the dear friend who sent it to me and to many others whom she has included on a prayer list.

Then I went to a lot of trouble, fussing with my screwed up gmail, to send her a reply of thanks and appreciation for all she is to me. I am blessed with her and with my church family, the motley assortment of flawed and beautiful humans that they are.

The world is chock full of us flawed and beautiful folk. Thank God many of them are in Haiti and other places of great need, doing their best to help those victims of disasters natural and not, and many, they themselves the victims, helping, blessing one another.

So now I am not feeling totally grateful but at least have, keeping my sadness company, the knowledge of my belonging with this friend and with this community of faith that is mine...

And so I pray for our broken world full of flawed, broken and beautiful life...

"From chaos and emptiness,From loneliness and lifelessness,Come, Creator, Come.
From darkness and shapelessness, From abyss and awfulness,Come, Creator, Come.
From fearfulness and hopelessness,From weakness and dreadfulness,Come, Creator, Come."
David Adam, Tides and Seasons

May we be granted the grace of awakening to our Truest natures, the grace to bless each other and our world with transformation of the fearfulness, hopelessness and brokenness into something whole and life-affirming...It is our calling I think.

Day 15

2010-01-18T01:54:00.000-08:00

I missed yesterday. I'm not going to make it up and that's not going to ruin this exercise

Today I feel grateful that after three years in attendance at my church, that there are LOTs of people whom I want to come to my birthday bash!! It's an interesting community, one I'm glad that I'm a part of and feel a sense of belonging to. BELONGING...not that's a blessing indeed!!

I feel blessed also that, for now at least, I have a person to go talk to whose job is to listen to me, to give me the benefit of the doubt, to try to understand and care about me as I work to slog thru these challenging times.

One last blessing that I and my family live inside a well built home, especially on this blustery nite.

Day 14

2010-01-16T00:44:00.000-08:00

I feel blessed by the knowledge that help is reaching Haiti, blessed by how many people have the people of Haiti on their minds and are wanting to, and doing, something.

Here's hoping and praying that the momentum increases and has staying power...I've heard "experts" mention sentiments similar to my own that maybe this horrible leveling of a country that has already been struggling against ridiculous odds will end up being some sort of a bottom from which they can only come up, with the real support of many people in many nations throughout the world.

On a more personal level...When I finish here I will go and sit in meditation for at least 10 minutes, scout's honor!!

Other blessings, of a more personal nature, although I'm sure many would agree with me on these: Fridays, three day weekends and mothers who are "there when you need them", even when "when you need them" is when you're "all growed up".

I am vicariously appreciating the blessing of support a mother of a friend of mine is providing for that friend who just had surgery this evening to repair a badly torn rotator cuff. Bless that Mama. She's a good one.

One more blessing, of a most personal nature: good friends who travel more than an hour to spend your 50th birthday with you. I have the promise of this blessing and am feeling blessed by it already.

Day 13 Part 2

2010-01-15T01:14:00.000-08:00

I exercised for 10 minutes and meditated for 10 minutes. It took pulling myself kicking and screaming but nonetheless I did it.

Day 13--Help is Arriving

2010-01-15T01:01:00.000-08:00

Help is arriving in Haiti. People are being found dead and others are being extricated alive. As the people wait for the supplies and expertise to reach them they are helping one another. Other Haitians are being opportunistic, many are grabbing for what they can get to survive. Help is coming though. I pray that the politics and egos be left behind as much as possible, that the aid workers from the different countries work together, that as everyone in Haiti struggling to come out on the other side of this tragedy continues to move through this time that people find themselves "cocooned in moments of grace"(quoting my dear friend) and that those moments give them the strength to continue....

I'm blessed with food and warm shelter and family and friends safe and basically healthy.
And as I write I know that any of that could change at any moment....and I'm just so grateful for the many, many moments of these blessings I and mine have had. I pray for many, many, many more for me and mine.

For the people of Haiti I pray again, as I did last nite, that out of this rubble that so much of Haitian life has been reduced to, that little seedlings of hope and enough will soon begin to slowly sprout and grow stronger and stronger with the help and support, like sunshine and rain, of enough others in our human family.

God bless our Haitian brothers and sisters and all who are lending their aid.

Day 12

2010-01-14T00:11:00.000-08:00

As I type I'm listening to Keith Olberman's countdown program for Wednesday January 12. His focus is on the aftermath of the earthquake in Haiti. I kept this tragedy at bay for a day...but I can do so no longer.

So tonite's blessing isn't one of mine but one I'm hoping the people of Haiti, and those trying to assist them, will be blessed with....

My prayer is that the people of Haiti, who have survived, so far, are blessed with the assistance and support and leadership that they need to move thru and out of this horrible tragedy. My further prayer is that this is the rock bottom for this country and that their neighbors, the U.S. included, find our way to providing them longterm with the help and support that they need.

As for those who have perished already...may their souls rest in peace. You are loved and missed.

Day 11

2010-01-13T00:42:00.001-08:00

Today's will be very brief.

Friends, all kinds, are blessings.
The kinds that seem to mostly say the "right" thing and the kinds that sometimes push your buttons with the "right" things that they say.

The kinds that you mostly listen to, the kinds that mostly listen to you and the kinds where you take turns pretty evenly listening to each other.

The older ones, the younger ones, the non-human ones too...

Facebook is what enables some of my friendships these days. So, for all its imperfections and glitches, facebook is a blessing I'll count. Messenger chat is a blessing too, because it, too, enables connections with friends.

Thinking about the chat applications that I use I think also of the blessing of the typed, as opposed to spoken, chat. When you're not in the same room with someone, or even on the phone with them and it's just the two of you typing back and forth, the space and time that are built into that way of communicating can be a blessing too. (like when letter-writing was a popular form of communication) A friend can be typing away and pissing you off and because they can't hear you groan or curse at them or sound annoyed at them, they may just not know that you've gotten momentarily irritated. You have time to think, to reflect and to temper your response. Arguments and hurt feelings can be avoided. And that's another blessing.

So those are my blessings for today.

Day 10

2010-01-12T00:23:00.001-08:00

Well I know I'm not going to be able to keep this up unless I get more creative. Otherwise it will be just too boring. Of course not waiting til bedtime might help my attitude and my recollection of the day's blessings. So we'll see.

I saw this new counselor today. I'm not sure I'm ready to call him my counselor. Especially because he is so appealing physically and as a person to talk to, it feels a little weird to call him my anything. He was very understanding about my only meditating three times this past week and offered some gentle suggestions for how to approach it and was very encouraging. He even said that we could meditate during a session. I told him I thought I would appreciate that, that I appreciated having company while trying to cultivate a good habit. We talked about cultivating good habits. Eventually we started talking a bit about my family, sketched out some of the family tree, etc. That became very uncomfortable. It's one thing to tell a female counselor this kind of stuff. It's another to tell a male, and did I mention that he was an attractive male counselor, this kind of stuff. It is really just so weird to sit for an hour talking with a man, a seemingly kind and caring man, about my stuff, and a bit about general stuff too. That's probably part of making me comfortable.

I saw another male counselor once thru the EAP that the school I worked at back in the midwest offered. He was a nice enough guy, but definitely not as attractive and a very different energy. This counselor has a very gentle energy. He's a good listener. And I am just so pathetically starved for positive male attention. I wonder why I have to state that so negatively, like it's somehow my fault? Bad habit I guess. I wonder what kind of good habit I could cultivate to replace that one? I'll have to ponder that question a bit. Or maybe meditate on it ;)

Anyway after I left and got in my car and started to drive I started to cry too. I realized that I really didn't want to go back to the time in my family that we kind of started talking about, especially not to my dad, not even in my memory. I was explaining about my parents' divorce when I was 16 and the counselor(I'll call him Edwin) commented that that seemed to be the age lots of kids are when their parents divorce, as if that's a safe age. I explained the reason that it happened that way in our family. I won't go into it here, but suffice it to say that it had nothing to do with when it might be easier on me. So that box of Pandora's is slowly squeaking open.

So I guess I continue to count this counselor, Edwin, as a blessing. And I'm blessing myself by going, and feel blessed that there is a situation that I can afford.

The blessing I was going to originally talk about was knitting and new, challenging knitting projects. I have one of those now and tho' progress is slow, I love watching this new thing grow in my hands. Thanks Mom for planting those knitting seeds way back in my childhood.

Ok I think this is good for today.

Day 9 and 10 on Day 10

2010-01-10T23:45:00.000-08:00

I forgot to show up for Day 9 so I'm doing two days in one:

Yesterday's blessing...
My discovery of a great and timely, to me, recording by an Episcopal priest, contemplative and teacher, Cynthia Bourgeault. The CD is called "Encountnering the Wisdom of Jesus". This comes at a time when I am, at the recommend of the counselor I am seeing, beginning a practice of daily meditation. This recording by The Rev. Cynthia addresses the practices of centering prayer and meditation and makes a great argument for cultivating one of them through her explanation of Jesus' wisdom teachings. So it is timely in the sense that I am embarking on such a practice and because of my personal spiritual searching and the questions her theories answer.

This blessing goes beyond the particular recording though. I mentioned teachers and public libraries as two of my blessings in a recent post.

I think Mother Cynthia is quite a teacher and find myself so moved and aha-ed by what I'm hearing from her that I even briefly contemplated the idea of what it might by like to study at the institution where she teaches.

I think she also has a book published on the same subject and assuming I continue to connect with and be inspired as I am by this recording, the book is something I might want to add to my collection. It's listening to the words spoken that best bring the ideas to life for me. So it is for that reason that I add books on tape/cd to my list of blessings for yesterday. What an absolutely wonderful invention available to anyone who has access to a library and something to listen to the recording on, which is most people here in the U. S. I would venture to guess.

Today's(now yesterday's blessing):

I went to church in Salt Water State Park today. I need to do that about once a month, instead of going to my church. I was listening to The Rev Cynthia on my way to the park and continued after arriving and parking in the parking lot. So I listened while watching the sound, with a little knitting thrown in. I topped the worship off by taking a little walk on the path that goes by the sound. So I blessed myself by availing myself of the blessings of: an inspired spiritual teacher, experiencing the sights, sounds and scents of the Sound, while i exercised the wonderful blessing of my body and felt the warmth of the sun on my face. That one was a bonus and also much appreciated.

I could go on but it's late. So that's all for this time.

Day 8 on Day 9

2010-01-08T15:01:00.000-08:00

Blessings:

caffeine: In the right amounts and right frequency, not every day, makes the days you have it a bit more inspired.

teachers: The vast majority of the ones I've had contact with are dedicated, hardworking, creative and have TOO MANY STUDENTS in their classrooms. God bless them!

public librarians: They have a whole different breed of challenges. The ones I know serve everyone equally, no matter how wealthy or not you appear, no matter how "on the ball" either God bless them too!!

Warm clothes on chilly drizzly Western Washington winter days, when you have a nice boost of caffeine under your belt, can help make a little walk invigorating rather than miserable.

All of the above blessings came to mind much earlier today(actually yesterday). And I had every, well almost every, intention of writing this post much earlier in the day, which would have been a great way to bless myself....by not procrastinating and not waiting til midnite or after. Didn't get there this time...

And finally...
Early this morning, actually at this point it was early yesterday morning, an older woman at my church, who has been battling her most recent bout of cancer for over a year now, let go of this life and moved on. She was a wonderful woman whom I feel blessed to have gotten to know. In her last days she worried about leaving her husband behind. Hopefully people were able to help her mind and heart come to a place of peace with that. There are many at my church who will be looking out for him. She is survived by children and grandchildren who will be there with him and for him as well.

I will miss her a lot...her grace and good humor and courage; her smiles and her laughter. The stories she told me about how she came to be a Washingtonian were the ones that made me feel most welcomed the first time I attended our woman's church group. And chatting with she and her husband after church was the bright spot in many a Sunday.

May your soul rest in peace....

Day7

2010-01-07T23:37:00.000-08:00

Water.....a blessing when it's clean and plentiful.
When there's too much, or not enough, a curse, maybe even a killer.

Public Libraries....free to all, including me. If I think I want a book I check it out first from the library. If I really like it and don't ever want to return it...then I know it's time to buy the book.

Going to bed to get at least 7.5 hours of sleep

Day 6

2010-01-07T00:27:00.000-08:00

The blessing today came in disguise. We don't have satellite or cable or any other kind of pay tv. What we do have is an expensive HD tv and a crappy rabbit ear anntenae. Tonite, after the news, while gearing up to clean up the kitchen, I was trying to tune in David Letterman. If I would have messed with it long enough I might have been able to get some decent reception, but since I was interested in expediting the dishwashing process I opted not to waste a lot of time on "come and go" reception at best. So I...turned it off!! What a blessing that crappy antennae was tonite!! The quiet in the house was peaceful...gave me space to think. And there's also the saving of some electricity.

Another blessing, one I thought about while washing dishes, is my 12 yo Honda Accord wagon. I don't keep it clean. It has hail damage on all but one of its panels, a broken signal lite cover, around 150 thousand miles on it and it is a GOOD car!! It's been dependable since I purchased it, not new, and has needed repairs: upkeep type stuff like brakes, timing belt, tires. I'd forgotten until just now that the transmission went out on it pretty early on in our life together, but it was covered under warranty somehow even tho' I purchased if from an individual. It's not much to look at but it's a good car and it makes so many things in my life so much easier, and others simply possible. Another of those blessings that has been so reliable that I mostly take it for granted...

My self-blessing for today is....attempting to get to bed at a decent(or more decent hour) and, of course coming here for the 6th day in a row.

I really hope this whole thing begins rippling out or building momentum and I start showing up to daily meditation and daily exercise and eating better. I'm almost 50 and lacking in that kind of self-discipline. I'm certain the quality of my life will vastly improve as I'm able to develop more of that discipline of myself...not to the exclusion of spontaneity, but a mutable combining of the two.

Ok...that's it for tonite.

Day 5 of showing up

2010-01-06T00:57:00.000-08:00

Ok so day 5 isn't going to be so easy.

I'm here but having a hard time of thinking of a blessing that I'm feeling especially grateful for.

So I guess, because the most important thing is that I've showed up, I'll mention a blessing, one that has been with me every damn day of my life. This is one that with the state of the economy, and my husband's and my jobsearches what they are currently, I'm feeling a bit uncertain about for the future:

A roof over my and my family's head
I've been blessed my whole entire life with a roof over my head that has either "belonged" to my parents, been the result of tuition paid by my parents or financial aid, been the result of rent I've paid or "belonged" to my husband and myself, as much as a home we've been in possession of for 2 1/2 years out of the 30years that our loan is for, or even 8 years out of the 30 years our loan was for with our previous home. Oh my God what a HUGE blessing that has been. A huge blessing too many many people in this world have never known. I've always had this blessing, and probably mostly taken it for granted, not these days.

Today I blessed myself by listening to, and coming to understand, how my daughter was feeling about a friendship situation at school. Hopefully she felt blessed by my listening and by my time I freely gave her. I know I was; by being there for her, by making the effort to understand, my heart expanded a bit. I know that everytime I do that for her, or anyone, my heart expands a bit and I am blessed too.

Well so now I'm on a roll...because I'm reminded of another blessing: a daughter who is smart and a good and expressive reader. We had "storytime" today. This time she didn't make me come to the "library"(a room on our lower level that has a desk and 2 older computers and a tall bookshelf full of books) she was a bookmobile and brought the books and storytime to me. She read a picture book I used to read when I was a librarian(well over ten years ago) at storytimes. I'd forgotten how much I loved that book and she reminded me of that love as she brought it to life in a wonderful way.

And another blessing...
My kitty who was 15 in late June or early July...He's had blood in his urine sample two times in a row. The vet thinks he has some kind of tumor(as of October) but I didn't have an ultrasound done because I couldn't afford to do much of anything, even if there was anything to do. He's taking thyroid meds and holding his own, even with our big Ella pup. And everytime he leaps onto the sofa and plops into my lap, and so many other times during the day, I'm reminded of what a blessing he's been to me all these many years. I don't know how much more time he has but he blesses me every day he's here with his elegant feline presence.

I guess everytime I make the effort to show up here and do this exercise I'm automatically blessing myself....I've done it again, by jove.

Lastly, blessings on us all.....
May we come to learn, sooner rather than later, especially as it's already pretty late, how to give to one another, and ourselves, the blessings of compassion and of true listening and understanding, so that the possibility of blessing our world with peace can grow into a probability and then maybe even into a reality...

Day 4

2010-01-04T23:44:00.000-08:00

Technically and otherwise this is day 4 of showing up.

A blessing that needs to be counted is the fact that my sister was very generous at Christmas, which, as a result meant that I had the money in my bank account that I needed to pay a vet bill and thus no need to use a credit card. I didn't expect the visit to be so expensive, but between exam fee, 3 vaccinations, a culture of nasty ear stuff, meds and earwash for the nasty ear stuff and some more flea treatment for dog and cat, it was VERY expensive. My sister had given me this money suggesting that I use some for Xmas and save as much as I could for later. Of course the blessing that is my sister goes way beyond her generosity with money. Her unfailing love and support for my whole entire life means the WORLD to me. Thank you sis!

Another blessing comes again in the form of this counselor I have now seen twice. He is kind and caring and does pay attention. And there is a spiritual dimension to the care/counseling he is providing. I've toyed for years with the idea of meditating, tried it for a bit, but never stuck with it. He is encouraging me to do this and explained why and how he thought it could benefit me. So I've committed to 1o minutes of meditation a day for this next week. This will push all of my resistance to discipline buttons. I know because it's already started, but I did get in 10 minutes this evening. So a blessing in the form of this counselor and a self-blessing because I sat and breathed for 10 minutes tonite. I made a start.

Found two more jobs to apply for. I asked a friend if I could send my cover letter and the job description and get his input as to how effectively my cover letter addresses the job qualifications. This renewed friend from highschool...another blessing. The fact that I reached out and asked for his help...another self-blessing.

I really like this concept of blessings and thinking about how I can bless myself, my loved ones, my home, pets, friends, strangers, you name it, all day everyday, or often throughout the course of each day, by choosing to do something kind and/or constructive. Then by taking note of them and recording them here I have a reminder of the power of paying attention and proof of how many blessings I receive and how many opportunities there are for me to be a blessing to others as well.

Showing up day 3

2010-01-04T00:07:00.000-08:00

Okay day 3, technically day 4 but i explained that already.

This one will be short

I'll start with some honesty: Looking for jobs and being continually rejected SUCKS!! Recently got rejected for 5 different positions. I'm getting nervous and feel kind of helpless. The whole age thing keeps echoing in my head.

Now for the blessing: I was thinking about all this ridiculous economy stuff: greedy, stingy bankers, no end in sight in terms of unemployment rate going down til the end of this brand new year and feeling so discouraged because of my age and who knows what else?
I walked into the church in the middle of the homily and heard the priest talking about our dreams and how they need to be God-infused to be stronger than all of the negative dreams floating around out in the world and how we can't let ourselves be limited or limit ourselves with our own ways of oppressing ourselves. That just really hit home when I needed to hear it. . But the whole thing was really synchronistic...I felt really blessed in those moments. I need to get a copy of my priest's notes so I can read and reread as a way of encouraging myself and hanging on to that blessing.

Self-blessing: I got my exercise video from the library....which is a start. But even bigger than that I made myself go to church when I didn't want to go and was blessed with the message of the homily and the affirmation of my belonging in that family.

Ok--that's it for today!

Day 2 of showing up

2010-01-03T01:07:00.000-08:00

Technically it looks as if I missed a day but this post counts as yesterdays because I haven't gone to bed yet.

I've shown up and my blessings I'll count for today are:

Our dear puppy Ella. We had a close call this morning. She was antsy at 5:45 and wanted to go out but rather than really go back to bed I laid awake waiting for her to do her business and finally, after a good 15 minutes or so, went out into the backyard where I DID NOT see her. When I looked at the back gate I saw that two of the wooden slats were pushed out of the gate and it was wide open. Long story short...I went inside to to get myself together to go out looking for her; grabbed jacket flashlite, keys, and as I was getting ready to go out the door I heard her barking at the back door in the basement. I went down to the sliding door...and there she was!! I brought her in, closed the gate and leaned the slats against the gate, then went inside where I made over her something crazy for as long as she would let me.

My daughter. Besides me being born...her birth is one of the best things that's ever happened to me. At this point I will slip in my self-blessing and some authenticity too. I've been anything but a patient mom for some time now. Today I had some opportunities to practice patience with her and I took advantage of them. It's not like she was being trying....she was just talking and wanting to be heard, at one point, and at another she was operating on her own time(instead of mine, imagine that) as we arrived at home and were organizing to go inside. For a change I just slowed down, breathed and waited, offered a bit of assistance as she and our pup climbed out of the car, nothing big, just some moments, but they were kinder moments than they might have been, kinder to her and to me as well. By blessing her with some patient kindness I blessed myself as well.

One more little thing....while chatting with an old college friend on facebook this evening the subject of our overweightness came up. We talked of making small consistent changes to develop some healthier habits and talked of how I used to dance....I definitely want to get into dancing again...money is a bit of an issue then. I do have some dvd's on hold from the library, ballet type dvds. Now I just need to check them out and spend some time working with them. Just a bit of time several days a week. Today I was reminded of this way I used to bless myself and how I want to do that again.....How to start and continue showing up for dancing again.....a double blessing of exercise and creative expression...

So there it is for Saturday January 2, 2010...nothing big, but something

2010-01-01T02:00:00.000-08:00

Ok ....so it's only two hours into the day. A little early for reporting any self-blessings, but, in fact I think I have one:

I had the tv on as background noise while I wrote my previous post(posted mere minutes ago). The reception was bad, PLUS there was nothing good on. Why even have it on? Indeed!! I turned it off and the blinking lights of the xmas tree on my left and the steady glow of the many candlelights on my right are keeping me good and peaceful company...self-blessing #1.

DD and I closed 2009 and opened 2010 with an imperfect and thrown together ritual of lighting candles with a blessing for each candle. It was last minute and not all that I wanted, BUT it was better than nothing...I'm glad we did it!! self-blessing #2

A few blessings, despite the challenges of my husband's continued unemployment and my underemployment are:

Good health-

Our wonderful critters...
Sweet Pea, our kitty who continues to stick around at 15 1/2 years of age, with kidney and thyroid, and who knows what else, problems AND he had the energy last nite to jump up on top of the china cabinet to try to nibble on a xmas centerpiece-Thank You Spirit
Ella, our wonderful 2 1/2 year old golden retriever "pup" who has the best personality...wants to please and posseses plenty of feistiness too

Loving and caring family...good, kind, intelligent folks whom I'd want in my life even if we weren't related

We continue to have the money to pay our bills and live in our home
A growing community of friends/adopted family
We're living in one of THE most beautiful places in this country imho

all by the Grace of the Creator

I think that's good for now...

And last...I am scared about what is coming in 2010. I'm worried about Tony's and my ability to find employment that enables us to continue paying our bills. I know it's hard for LOTS of folks these days. But the deck seems even more stacked against people over age....???don't know...but it seems to include our age. And I'm scared that I'm just going to continue to flounder around never making any lasting changes in these areas I claim I want to make improvements in. I'm afraid of letting my daughter down. I want to grow some better habits for both our sakes. I could go on and on with my fears, but I'll stop here for now.

I do think I should put the emotional honesty piece or the piece about my less pleasant emotions, however one wants to label it, in the middle...so I can end on a more uplifted and encouraged note.

So I'll add another blessing or two:

I've found a counselor/therapist with whom I think/intuit I will be able to work well. He's a he and I think that will be a valuable perspective for me. Plus it doesn't hurt any that he's easy on the eyes...
One more... not as many jobs were lost these last couple of weeks. That's a blessing for all sorts of folks and for us(tony and me) because there aren't as many additional people competing for these few jobs and maybe it will turn out to be the light at the curve in the tunnel as it heads us all back towards more jobs. I do think we could use a bit more help in that dept from our President, his administration and congress...but we'll leave it at that.

Ok...really late...off to sleep.

Happy Blue Moon New Year 2010!!! May we begin to find ways to create a world that is abundant and prosperous enough for ALL it's inhabitants and may we truly begin to give back to our planet in appreciation for all it's given to us. May we as a people begin to find our way to living more sustainably and peacefully. AMEN

Happy Blue Moon New Year 2010

2010-01-01T01:19:00.000-08:00

It's one hour and 20 minutes into 2010 out here on the west coast, the Pacific Northwest coast to be exact.

I just read a post by one of my favorite bloggers, Ken Roberts, the Mildly Creative guy. He explained the reasons behind the origins of his Mildly Creative blog....to just show up daily and write something, no matter how small.

There's so many things I want to do different, so many unhealthy habits I want to shed and so many healthier and life affirming ones I want to build, grow, create. But where to start and how to "keep showing up" day in and out?

Do I walk or dance 15 minutes? Do I write down my foods daily? Do I make sure to eat at least 2-4 servings of fruit or veggies daily, all things I should be doing already? Or do I come here and make one observation or insight about my day, one blessing, one triumph?

I think I need to cast as wide a net as I can in order to catch myself doing something positive daily that I can take note of, whether it be making better food choices, making room and time for some exercise or noticing something positive about someone else.

Hmmm.......maybe report (at least) one something positive that I did or noticed about me. At the very least. I'll be 50 in 24 days. I'm slowly, or not so slowly, moving into "old dog" land, "really late bloomer" land. I'm feeling like it's really time to start learning those new tricks, to start blooming...... or maybe to just start paying attention to all the tricks I do know already and all the blooming I've done and do.

Ok...so here it is (I was just talking about this with a friend tonite) I'll show up. I'll count some blessings; I'll take note of at least one choice I feel good about for that day( a self blessing) AND I'll be honest about my feelings, the unpleasant as well as the pleasant, AND I'll attempt to keep it short. Because I know there is no way I will show up everyday and write for this length of time.

Ok...

Going out on a limb...or not

2009-10-08T13:09:00.000-07:00

Here's a thought:

With the economy in the pits, no pardon me, what I meant to say was with our nation in the midst of a jobless recovery(how's that for an oxymoron) I think all of us little people are being called on.

And all of you many readers of my blog(okay I mean you Excavator) ask, "Called to what?"

Well, if all these many lifecoaches, evidenced by their many blogs, are any indicator, we are being called upon to BE CREATIVE!! and not wait for the government stimulus money to get jobs and the economy stimulated. Books could be written in the time it's taking for any of this stimulus money to reach us little folks. Add to that that the planet's oil supply is clearly finite and we're getting ever closer to the bottom of that barrel, so to speak. Plus the carbon footprint we make with all the oil consumption, and beefmaking cows farting methane, is only making that footprint larger and more capable of stamping out life as we know it.

The old ways aren't working.

Big business seems to be working more and more for the big guy and needing the little guy(at least these American little guys) less and less. It's making this "little guy" think that small and grassroots is becoming the way to go. It would certainly fit with my notion that we are all made to be creative. It's just that many of us don't realize it or are too damn scared to do anything about it. And by creative I mean not only the artsy fartsy creative but the big C kind. The kind where we think: "Hmmmm things just don't seem to be working so well anymore. How can we create something that will work?"

I'm thinking the kind of creative that has us average employable(but not employed yet), or more employable(but not more employed yet), folks climbing up and out of the rut of "buy, consume and throw away" that our society seems to be stuck in and saying:

"There's got to be a better way!"

It's the kind of creative that has us average folks noticing that:
jobs are going overseas or elsewhere because it's cheaper for big companies to do so;
any potential for real growth job-wise will probably be in green industries and...still waiting...
buying local is kinder to the planet and to small farmers
our schools are letting our kids down
our healthcare system is failing fast(maybe all wouldn't be in agreement on this point, but let's just pretend for the sake of argument)
our infrastructures are getting old and slowly crumbling

The old ways aren't working but there are plenty of powerful people who continue to be invested in those old ways for their own sakes. So maybe it's time for all us "little guys"(I use guys as a genderless term here, as I always have)to step up and say:

"There's got to be a better way and either we're going to find it or we're going to create it ourselves!!

Visit to Index

2009-08-25T00:01:00.000-07:00

I had a job this past weekend as details person for a retreat at Camp Huston, a camp/conference center in Gold Bar, WA. It's located off hiway 2 as you head up towards Stephen's Pass. The job was good. I was assisting the Ethnic Missioner for the Episcopal Diocese of Olympia at a retreat. The setting would have made just about any job okay with me, there in the foothills of the Cascades, up the hill from the Skykomish River, I believe it was. I got plenty of exercise walking up and down from the lower camp to the upper camp, the highlite of those up and downhill hikes being the pleasure of hearing the river's song each time I walked back down to the lower camp from the upper camp.

I rode to and from the retreat with a woman from my church and her grandson. On the way back, we'd planned to take something of a scenic route, she asked if I'd be interested in going a little further east on Hiway 2 to Index, WA. I was absolutely up for that little excursion and so we went.

As my friend, her sleeping grandson and I drove through this teeny town she asked if I'd like to stop at the little history museum. I said "yes". We parked and she stayed in the van with her grandson while I popped into the museum and encountered a volunteer who knew his Index history and knew how to share it in a way that was both interesting and informative. I would have happily stayed longer asking him questions and learning more history but was concerned that my friend would be antsy to get rolling. So I went outside and found that she now appeared to be napping as well and I decided to pop into the little art gallery next door.

For some reason I didn't expect there to be anyone inside and I certainly didn't expect to find someone in the act of creating. But that was exactly what I found: a man who, after spending years making and selling very popular birdhouses, had switched to painting and drawing. I stepped into this little building and was startled when I saw him sitting, legs folded up in front of him on his little folding chair painting away, creating the most beautiful picture of what was out the door and across the river from us.

I tend to be very intimidated by artists and art museums, but this man and the little building containing him, his works and those of several other local artists was anything but. In those moments that we spoke he didn't for a second fit the "moody unapproachable artist" image that I had in my mind. He was kind and open and only too happy to talk with me about his work and share a bit about how he came to be doing what he was doing.

The encounter really impacted me. Those few minutes of just he and I talking about his paintings, the recent successful Index Art Fair, his aversion to computers and the very off-the-grid way he was living his life were not "a dime a dozen" moments. He shared openly and didn't seem to feel intruded upon by my interest and questions. We talked, as he continued to paint, and as I walked around a bit and explored the other room and other art. His work was the most striking and the most beautiful, to this beholder, and I thought how I'd love to find a way to spread the word around a bit about what beautiful things he was creating. His paintings have an impressionist feel to them and his inspirations for his creations are his immediate surroundings of the landscapes both large and small, of Index. He said that at one point during the winter he ran out of paint and canvas so started doing charcoal drawings. They are not impressionistic, but more realistic, of faces of some of the people of Index, and also very beautiful.

I guess I just fell in love with his art right then and there. Some moments of magic on an August Sunday afternoon. What a blessing they were and, in my recollecting, will continue to be.

Facebook and these times we're in...

2009-02-28T23:19:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I received a message in my Facebook inbox from a possible highschool classmate who was asking me if I was the person who had given him a few driving lessons in various parking lots when we were in school.

As I sat and reached back into my memory some 30 odd years something flashed vaguely familiar in my mind. Then there was the picture of a face, then the sound of a laugh, a collection of rooms that made up the school newspaper office and vaguely, very vaguely a recollection of some driving lessons. I was this person he was thinking of.

So I responded in a message to him that, yes, I did dimly recall giving some driving lessons, that it was good to hear from him and that I hoped he and his family were well. Later I sent him a friendship request and he accepted it. Tonite we chatted on Facebook, did some reminiscence Re: our time on the school newspaper, some catch up and some sharing of stories and I was reminded once again that I knew some really good people in highschool, Sean being one of them.

I knew some really good people in college too, especially my freshman year. In both highschool and freshman year of college I had the good fortune to be a part of communities that were basically nourishing and supportive ones. Now, some 30 years later, I'm reconnecting with many of these people on Facebook and finding that I still have significant things in common with many of them and that they are people I would want to spend time with in present time.

What great fortune to be reconnecting. When did this gathering together of people start? For me it was some time this summer when I began instant messaging back and forth with an old college roommate, then I reconnected with an old boyfriend from college through email, then a current day friend invited me to join Facebook and from there I began reconnecting with all sorts of highschool friends. Until a few months ago I thought Facebook was just for teens and young adults and now I think it's a most wonderful tool for people from all over the world to meet up. Some of my Facebook friends are family members, some are current day friends, some friends from college and highschool and, increasingly, some are ones disovered while on Facebook. These social networking sites are a way for people to keep in touch and connected with each other in a time in a world where so much is uncertain and frightening and when people are physically so spread out and disconnected.

I barely know my current day neighbors, although today I had a 15 minute conversation with a neighbor and his wife about used cars, replacement windows and job prospects. This is the same neighbor who gave me a good 15 minutes of his time helping me dig my car out of the snow back in December when we here in Western, WA were having uncharacteristically snowy, winter weather. As a child we all knew and looked out for our neighbors as a matter of course. That same attitude of a community of neighbors is much rarer today. But the need for community doesn't go away just because people's lives get too busy or self-absorbed, though it may go underground for a period of time. Maybe Facebook, other social networking sites, and the many many blogs that fill cyberspace are examples of how people are attempting to meet this need for community. And maybe tough times, like weather events, along with a community organizer President who is asking that all of us step up and take more responsibility, will end up being the fertilizer that these community seeds need to be nourished and grow.

Any one who reads this please forgive me if I sound dramatic. I think our chances for continued thrival(new word cause i love rhymes) and survival as a civilization depends on us stepping up and committing to really taking care of our sorely neglected communities.

I'm on the board of the Parent Teacher Group at my daughter's school and we are in the planning and preparation process for an auction and raffle later in March. At one point our Auction Committee chair said something about the parents of the 2008-2009 sixth grade class being willing to put a few dollars towards something for the 2009-2010 sixth grade class and the consensus was that parents of this year's sixth graders would be unwilling to "pay it forward" to next year's sixth grade class. I was struck by that notion just as I'm struck by people's unwillingness to pass a school levy as if somehow the success or failure of the future sixth grade class or that of the child next door or across the street isn't significant to the household without children or the students who are moving on to middle school and their parents.

Whether we like it or not we're all interconnected and interdependant and ultimately unless we commit to surviving and thriving together as school, neigborhood, city, state and country communities and as a world community we'll do niether. Witness the blocks with one or two houses being foreclosed on and the property values of the rest of the homes dropping down, banks, auto companies, businesses failing and that failure rippling out, down, up. Polar ice caps melting, polar bears drowning, sea levels and temperatures rising,islands going under and people being displaced from their homes and to where? Droughts in California meaning little or no produce for sale, less or no livelihood for farmers and farmworkers and less produce meaning more cost for consumers whose budgets are already pinched.

So what's my point? Mostly I think my point is that continuing to deny the truth of our interconnectedness and our need to care for that innterconnectedness by nurturing our communities has gotten us in a deep mess of trouble.

Personally I'm hopeful that we can get ourselves out of this deep mess, although it won't be without some scars and permanent loss, but the old ways of us vs. them are less and less efficacious as the days, years, centuries and ages go on and may just be a luxury we, as a people, can no longer afford.

End of muse /morphed into/ sermon.

For some encouragement regarding our potential for rising to the occasion see:

http://thrivingtoo.typepad.com/thriving_too/2009/02/born-to-be-good.html

and

http://thrivingtoo.typepad.com/thriving_too/2008/09/innate-goodness.html

The Economic Downturn Does Hit Home

2009-02-17T01:50:00.000-08:00

It's official as of Wednesday Feb. 11, 2009. My husband no longer has a job. So what's next? We get our physicals with our two months worth of insurance and hope we're healthy. I finally start looking for another part-time job and submit applications at the places I've been thinking of applying to for months but haven't because I hate filling out applications. Now it's too damn bad if I hate filling out apps....And I hope for the best. And mixed in with these two things I try to strike a balance between giving my husband the space to figure out what he wants/needs to do, how he needs/wants to proceed and address my need to know what he's thinking, planning, my need to offer ideas, to. Of course there's plenty more that needs to be on the list, no doubt. These are just the things that spring immediately to my mind. I think in my mind, "Why us? Again just 2 1/2 years after relocating after another layoff." And i think to myself: "Why not us?" We're positively rich in comparison to the majority of the world's population. But that line of thinking doesn't make me feel better, just ungrateful and discouraged.

And I think that our Govenor needs to go back on her word of no additional taxes and tax the upper 1 or 2 or 10% of people in this state who are filthy rich, or just rich, because why in the he** shouldn't they be affected by this? Why shouldn't some of their money put a dent in our huge deficit? How can it be ok in this day and place to let anyone be in a position to wonder if they can take their child to the Dr. or go themselves if need be? How can it be ok in this country for there to be as many people as there are living on the edge constantly, not just moving towards it as we are? So civilized the US is? Such equal opportunity the US offers?

the economic downturn hits home--maybe

2009-01-29T22:09:00.000-08:00

I learned today that my husband's company is going to be laying off some folks in a couple of weeks. Rumor has it that some of them will be in his department. Well he's one of the newer employees so who knows what that will mean...I'm not surprised and I am scared...

So we'll just have to see

Sir Ken Robinson

2009-01-28T01:12:00.000-08:00

I heard this man speak for the first time and found myself nodding continuously as I listened to what he had to say. He writes about, speaks about, teaches about creativity and educational reform with an eye to children's and adult's different ways of learning.

His conviction is that everyone is creative, but that it gets buried in most of us at an early age. He advocates adults excavating their own creativity seeds. He also calls on adults to be protectors and nurturers of our own and our children's(in the "it takes a village"sense) creative potential.

I feel as if i've been living under a rock to have not heard of him before. But the timing couldn't be more providential as I allowed myself to fantasize just last nite about what I'd like to see happen at my church: art and craft workshops put on by our own parishioners and open to the neighborhood for a donation of whatever they can afford; an after school program for school-age children that is a safe space for completion of homework and tutoring but also a space where creative pursuits are encouraged and supported.

As Sir Ken said (my interpretation) excavating our creative potential and developing it in ourselves, each other and our children would go a long way towards curing what ails our country and world. Now is the time for creativity, innovation, thinking and doing outside the box.

Nothing new here really, but maybe finally the time is ripe.

Check out his website: http://www.sirkenrobinson.com/

2009-01-26T23:31:00.000-08:00

My birthday was yesterday--i've begun my 50th year...

Why is it that time flies even when you're not having fun, after a certain age?

Faster and faster and higher and higher and i'm running trying to catch up and i just cant seem to and i still haven't figured out how to fly...

The twelfth day and the Epiphany

2009-01-06T12:13:00.000-08:00

Last nite was the twelfth nite of Christmas. I don't know of anyone who takes this 12 days of Xmas stuff literally, but my daughter and I have decided that we want to somehow. For me, at least in part, it is a rebellion against the total commercialization of the holiday, one that starts the day after Thanksgiving(or earlier) and goes thru the 25th(although just barely) followed on the 26th by the holiday of "Sale Shopping".

There are so many reasons why this is a good idea. This year, and probably from now on, we made lots of our gifts. As a late bloomer in every aspect of my life making lots of gifts has me scrambling(or feeling I should be) to get things ready and in the mail for friends and family to be there by Xmas. With the celebration of the 12 Days of Xmas some of that pressure to have everything(or anything) mailed in time to arrive by the 25th is removed. Finishing up with gift making during those 12 days is one way to keep my family, who are far away, closer. As I work on completing their gifts I hold them even closer in mind than I might normally. Now today is the Epiphany(the day after the 12 day of Christmas) and i've still put nothing in the mail, but I'm much closer than I was Xmas Eve. I think celebrating the 12 Days of Xmas will help me be less behind than I normally am.

I'm not sure what other forms this developing celebration of the 12 Days of Christmas will take beyond what I've already described. Maybe it won't be much different than when it was called Winter Break. Framed in the context of Christ's birth, which I like to think of in metaphorical terms in addition to the celebration of the actual birth of the actual person, for me, opens the door to discovering meanings which are life-affirming and renewing.

When I think of that precious baby Jesus it's hard not to think of all babies, and how precious each of them is. From there I think of precious birth in terms of what might be trying to be born in me and how might I support and nurture that humble birth in me and such births in my daughter, my family ,friends and the people I come into contact with as I move through my days. As Christians we are charged with seeing Christ in the face of even the most unlikely person. Why would that not include seeing Christ in ourselves--seeing that innocence that potential, that preciousness of that baby and later, as he grew, that strength, wisdom, compassion and vulnerability in ourselves?

Perhaps this quote I stumbled upon is at the root of some of these musings.

"The secret of Christmas:your own heart is the manger in which the birth of Christ takes place." Puran Bair

May your hearts be blessed with many "precious births" in the days and years to come.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

2009-01-02T01:06:00.000-08:00

Here's to a new year where compassion, creativity, innovation, thoughtfulness and an attitude of hope are more the rule for our country than the exception.

Getting Started

2008-05-01T18:53:00.000-07:00

Don't know why i'm doing this exactly and i don't really know what i'm doing as i proceed through this-supposed to be-simple process to get this blog up and running. But I have no clue what i'm doing as far as choosing settings, layouts, etc. So i'm doing it to the best of my current blogging ability.

Now my reason for starting this blog...

I had a conversation with someone today that took a racist turn and i didn't know how to respond without offending so i just eased out of the topic, was non-committal in my response. But as i reflected later on this conversation, and past conversations with him and his spouse, i was confronted again with this issue of racism that comes up in our conversations periodically. I'm not challenging these attitudes when they come up and i don't feel right about that but i think i need to think about this thing outloud or see it in black and white and maybe, just maybe, put it out there for others to maybe read and reflect on and maybe even comment on for some added perspective and constructive dialogue.

The truth of the matter is that i completely understand the reason for ELL(english language learners) getting seperate, extra attention, am on board with it and embrace it. The person i was conversing with seems to resent this extra time and attention given to second and third graders who are struggling to learn the English language and assimilate into the United States culture enough to become educated.

January 3, 2009--the line of thinking continues

If we trace the roots of most of the inhabitants of this country back far enough we find that the majority of us descend from people who were immigrants at one time. And whether a person immigrates to a place because they want to be free to worship as they see fit or immigrates as refugees because they are being persecuted for somehow not being the right type of person or immigrates because they can't earn a reasonable living in their homeland because of an ineffectual government, survival needs are survival needs.

And children are children and they will all be inheritors of this country and this world and the ones charged with keeping things running as we, their parents, grow old. Wouldn't it be to the benefit of all concerned if all children were given a chance at an education that prepares them for that stewardship of the world and all of it's inhabitants?

So if we want to start pointing fingers about laws being broken maybe we each need to look at how we(or our ancestors) got here and why and realize that whether the laws were "on the books", or just in the hearts of a people, there has been plenty of "disrespecting of laws" to go around.

That's not something that can be said in passing, though. The issue is complicated and fraught with emotion. And I could say the politically correct thing in that situation and possibly alienate the acquaintance and lose any chance of constructive dialogue in the future. So I guess that's why I didn't. But were a person being directly targeted, bullied, excluded, etc. I trust that I would speak up in defense and support of the persecuted person or persons. At least I hope I would. As for further conversations with this individual, were the subject to arise again, I think, after putting my thoughts out here, that I will be in a better position to say something constructive.