Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Day 10

Well I know I'm not going to be able to keep this up unless I get more creative. Otherwise it will be just too boring. Of course not waiting til bedtime might help my attitude and my recollection of the day's blessings. So we'll see.

I saw this new counselor today. I'm not sure I'm ready to call him my counselor. Especially because he is so appealing physically and as a person to talk to, it feels a little weird to call him my anything. He was very understanding about my only meditating three times this past week and offered some gentle suggestions for how to approach it and was very encouraging. He even said that we could meditate during a session. I told him I thought I would appreciate that, that I appreciated having company while trying to cultivate a good habit. We talked about cultivating good habits. Eventually we started talking a bit about my family, sketched out some of the family tree, etc. That became very uncomfortable. It's one thing to tell a female counselor this kind of stuff. It's another to tell a male, and did I mention that he was an attractive male counselor, this kind of stuff. It is really just so weird to sit for an hour talking with a man, a seemingly kind and caring man, about my stuff, and a bit about general stuff too. That's probably part of making me comfortable.

I saw another male counselor once thru the EAP that the school I worked at back in the midwest offered. He was a nice enough guy, but definitely not as attractive and a very different energy. This counselor has a very gentle energy. He's a good listener. And I am just so pathetically starved for positive male attention. I wonder why I have to state that so negatively, like it's somehow my fault? Bad habit I guess. I wonder what kind of good habit I could cultivate to replace that one? I'll have to ponder that question a bit. Or maybe meditate on it ;)

Anyway after I left and got in my car and started to drive I started to cry too. I realized that I really didn't want to go back to the time in my family that we kind of started talking about, especially not to my dad, not even in my memory. I was explaining about my parents' divorce when I was 16 and the counselor(I'll call him Edwin) commented that that seemed to be the age lots of kids are when their parents divorce, as if that's a safe age. I explained the reason that it happened that way in our family. I won't go into it here, but suffice it to say that it had nothing to do with when it might be easier on me. So that box of Pandora's is slowly squeaking open.

So I guess I continue to count this counselor, Edwin, as a blessing. And I'm blessing myself by going, and feel blessed that there is a situation that I can afford.

The blessing I was going to originally talk about was knitting and new, challenging knitting projects. I have one of those now and tho' progress is slow, I love watching this new thing grow in my hands. Thanks Mom for planting those knitting seeds way back in my childhood.

Ok I think this is good for today.

1 comment:

excavator said...

Yeah. That was...good.

Your honesty and authenticity move me.

I like that you call him 'Edwin'. Giving him a name that's not really romantic (although that's a presumption. Maybe it's a very romantic name for you).